A shocked fast-food community is trying to come to grips with a wave of killings that apparently is only targeting their own super star personalities.
"I've never seen anything like it," said Captain Crime McGruff, head of the Fictional Character Divison and lead detective in the growing case. "Sure, we have to deal with rabid fans and crazed groupies once in a while, but murder?! Who would do such a thing? And why?"
The growing list of casualties started a few months ago when the Taco Bell Chihuahua went missing. At first no one noticed, but a small pile of bones was found next to the dumpster behind one of the restaurant's locations.
The CSI crime lab positively identified the bones as belonging to Mr. T. B. Chihuahua. "DNA and dental records confirmed the identification," said McGruff. "Those were indeed his canines."
It is believed that Mr. Chihuahua was fed to an unsuspecting public.
The next victim found was King Burger. One would think that royalty would be off limits, but even His Highness was not immune to these crazed killers.
King Burger was found huddled in a corner of an old warehouse that was initially involved in an arson investigation. Official cause of death: flame-broiled over an open fire.
"I have mostly grown tolerant and desensitized over the years to what the public would normally find repulsive," said Mcgruff. "But the grill marks... those charcoaled stripes..." McGruff was unable to finish his comment.
The spree of slayings did not stop with the crowned one. The most loved modern-day fast-food character was the next gruesome find discovered during a father/son weekend fishing trip.
The head of Jack, CEO and spokesperson for Jack-In-The-Box corporation, was found bobbing up and down in the middle of San Francisco Bay.
"At first I though it was a loose fishing float gone adrift," said the unidentified fisherman. "But as we got closer it became obvious that it's, or rather his, size was too large for that."
Mr. Jack's face consisted of Xs for his eyes and a very short line drawn for his mouth-both indicating that foul play is involved.
The body has not yet been recovered, but the bay is being trolled with the help of the Long John Silvers fishing fleet.
And just moments ago, an Amber Alert was issued for Wendy who had gone missing about an hour earlier. The girl was snatched from her estate's front yard. A plain white van was seen speeding off with the partial license plate number of "?ETA 1."
These events have turned the fast-food community upside down. Ronald McDonald has been whisked away into hiding. A McDonald's spokesperson wanted to assure the public that Ronald was doing fine and in good spirits considering the consequences.
The rest of the McDonalds cast was left fending for themselves. Fast-food union lawyers may be brought in as a result.
Officials say that they have no leads or suspects at the present time, but are not ruling out other fast-food restaurants without mascots who may be jealous. These include, but are not limited to, Quiznos and Schlotzkys.
However, one police officer on the case gave us a quote on the condition of anonymity:
"One day detectives brought in a female to be questioned. The odd thing is that she marched right into the interrogation room, chained herself to the table, and started ranting, 'Hey hey, ho ho, fish are friends and meat is murder! Hey hey, ho ho, fish are friends and meat is murder!...'"
This went on for hours, said the officer, until he broke for lunch at the Squat-N-Gobble, a local burger joint. When he returned the female was gone and he was not sure as to where she had been taken.