Written by tprasad23
Print this

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

image for Funeral for dedicated 26 year cable company employee to begin sometime between 2-6 pm
Katz will be buried with a roll of blue shielded 4 AWG cable that he loved so much

New York, NY: Approximately 2 days ago, Dan Katz, a 26 year veteran for the Time Warner Cable company died in a fatal accident during a cable installation. Katz's supervisor has described the installation somewhat "complicated" but nothing "he couldn't handle". His entire division is shocked beyond belief, the entire cable installation crew have worn their pants at half-ass in respect.

Shortly upon learning of his death, the Time Warner Cable corporation has announced the memorial service will start sometime between the hours of 2 and 6 pm. The company had opted against the traditional hearse caravan, for active Time Warner Cable vans.

Community members were shocked, and remember his cheerful banter during installations. Upper west side resident, Diane Lomax, said, "I remember a few sentences, I forgot what they were about, but they were good." As many cable company employees are stereotyped as lonely, Dan had a rich set of friends and family.

Katz sister, Mary was overwhelmed by Time Warner's gracious offer to host the memorial services. "Dan loved the afternoon shift." She was also grateful for the authenticity of the event. She even called Time Warner asking for "some idea" when the funeral would begin. "I couldn't believe the respect they had for Dan and his work. I wanted to know if it would be closer to 2 or 6 and they told me 'we don't know ma'am.' I was bawling, because that was what Dan would have wanted." Choosing a eulogy also proved to be a daunting task, as the company provided over 350 of them, but Mary described only "a handful as decent."

The community has surely felt a huge loss at this time as well, as many people reported to have slipped Katz body $20 bills, a modest thanks for free cable they've received. When his family was asked how long they plan to remain in mourning, they replied, "Since we're first time mourners, we plan for sadness, grieving and support in a package deal, at least for the first 6 months; after that we have to spend emotions on all three separately."

Make tprasad23's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 4 multiplied by 3?

6 12 8 22
72 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more