Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: marijuana, Medical

Wednesday, 17 December 2003

With the courts bench piled high with Dorito's Nacho Corn Chips, M&M's, empty ice cream dishes and Pepsi cans, the U.S. 9th District Court of Appeals upheld the use of medical marijuana in spite of a 1970 Federal law that prohibits the use of all pot in favor drinking heavily and using prescription drugs to get high.

Speaking on behalf of the Court Judge Moonflower Cosmic Ray Fieldstein said, " Look, we just want all Californians who are like, sick, to know that it's cool to blow a joint now and then. I mean, if it feels good, do it, right? Like, I feel pretty sick a lot, and my doctor, Northwind Leary, who's also a great TM teacher by the way, told me...told me...uh...what were we talking about?" The rest of the Court then dissolved into giggles and outright peals of laughter and everyone decided to order out for Chinese food.

Federal Prosecutor Rocky O'Hallalaran in a press conference held at McGinty's Brew and Booze Bar said, " This is a sad day for California, America, and the Dewar's company. The position of the Government has always been and will continue to be ‘if you feel bad, take a pill and a shot.' Lord knows we have more than enough different kinds of drugs that'll make you feel better...Valium, Oxycodone, Demoral...the list just goes on and on. And if you take them with a shot or two of your favorite liquor, you're a lot higher than any stupid joint is gonna get you. Bartender, another round for the table."

Police were initially worried that the ruling might cause violence in the streets between opposing groups on the issue, but apparently everyone was either too drunk or stoned to care much.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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