Written by tprasad23
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Topics: School, Teachers

Sunday, 28 January 2007

image for Inner City students demand inspiring, single, white, female teacher before improving academic performance.
Please, God, No! Not Mrs. Lebowski!

A group of students attending PS53, have collectively signed a petition, stating their demands as wanting a "Michelle Pfeiffer-esque single white female teacher" to truly inspire and motivate them. They refuse to raise their aggregate GPA of 2.5 until a single, female teacher of European ancestry joins the mostly minority faculty. The demands elaborate in further detail, requesting a specific waist-hip ratio as well as "decent" cheek structure.

Leader of the student union, Darnell Lamont said, "Where's our Hillary Swank? It's f*cking crazy, the community expects us to perform well with our regular old unattractive and overweight people?"

Lamont, a senior, was amongst the first students to tear up his final exam last semester. Nearly 85% of the questions were answered correctly, but Darnell says "I don't give a f*ck, Shawonda Jhonston thinks she can turn my life around? Hell no. I need a white teacher to accuse of not understanding me, THEN get turned around. I wanna be a freedom writer too."

New students are joining the movement by the handful. Fernando Rodriguez, a freshman, signed the petition immediately. He says, "I'm not in a gang, but I joined one so maybe one day, just one day, my white teacher can set me straight. You bet I'm holding out for the gusto."

The students held a press conference where they fielded questions from members of local media outlets as well as community. One of the more frequent questions was towards the insistence the teacher be single. Joanne Carrera said in response, "Say I get pregnant, how's the new teacher gonna come over my house to guide me at 12:00 am, if she's gotta cook dinner or change a diaper? It just wouldn't work out"

At first their demands would have seemed to have fallen on deaf ears, but now the educational community has taken notice of the petition. Teach for America coordinator Jennifer Claridge said, "We've heard the demands of PS53, and quite frankly we wish we could help. Our resources are severely limited right now." She did however offer some solace to the students, "The best we can do is send a half-white, half-black tomboy, who has an on-off again relationship with her boyfriend."

While the students were not ecstatic, they showed signs of acceptance. The average grade point average went up .23 points since the arrival of their new teacher. However the student union is not dissuaded, as Lamont said, "Everyone says we made progress, but now I'm inspired to work even harder for our SWF teacher, then I'll start writing the poignant poetry about gang life."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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