Written by King David
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Sunday, 28 January 2007

image for Britney Spears Now On The Great Seal of The United States
A Picture of Britney Spears "Spread Eagle" Will Now Be Printed on The Backs of New One Dollar Bills

Congress approved measures today to put Hollywood pop diva Britney Spears on The Great Seal of the United States. Instead of the traditional bald eagle with its wings outstretched in heraldic honor holding an olive branch in its right talon and 13 arrows in its left, Britney Spears will be displayed "spread eagle" on the front of the seal holding her underwear in her right hand and divorce papers to Kevin Federline in the left and the words, "E Pluribus Scrotum", (Out of Many, One), enscribed on a banner tying her wrists to a bed post not seen in the picture.

"We're hoping that this will get the attention of the American people," said Congressman David Hasaprice. "We know that sometimes we Congressmen and Senators are not readily identifiable with the American people and appear as if we just walked off the set of Father Knows Best, or Leave It To Beaver. And we can certainly say that public policy is not up to date with the 21st century, so we want to get rid of that image and create a more intimate connection with the American people."

Psychiatrist and chief medical lobotomy surgeon at Bethesda Hospital in Maryland, Dr. John Calvin, said that he feels that it's a case of "that which is resisted, persists" and thinks that Congress may be on the right track with its measure.

"We must remember that Americans, before they moved out to California, came from 16th and 17th century English Puritans who were only allowed to have sex with family members once or twice a year for the sole purpose of child bearing not pleasure," he said. "Then, came the 1960's which put an end to all that."

Critics of the new measure say that enough attention has been given to the starlet and insist that the country "move on."

"Yes, it has been reported that women are truly naked underneath their clothes," said self-appointed female body inspector and nighttime talk show host, Howard Sperm. "But when will Americans really get it?"

Network executives said that Sperm was just angry that Spears maybe stealing his thunder and causing ratings for his lascivious and unremarkable dead beat show to plummet like a spent erection. It was reported that the naughty "bad boy" talk show host Alice Cooper look alike was thinking about moving his air time to the morning as to not complete with internet surfers looking to view pictures of the panty less Britney Spears.

Other Congressmen and Senators were hoping that the measure would help Americans get out and vote.

"We still have a very low percentage of voter participation in this country," said Congressman Hasaprice. "And trends in this country traditionally start in the lawless, West and blow their way East onto the Washington Capitol steps."

Now, we know why Bob Dylan wrote the words, "the answer my friend is blowing in the wind."

To call attention to the measure and commemorate the new law, all Congressmen and Senators and even the president will go "commando" on a designated day, probably March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, so no excuses can be given that "I am wearing green underwear" on that day.

Appointed officials will be named to inspect the Senators and Congressman and president on that day to see if they are really not wearing any underwear. If they are not, they will be in violation of the rules and will be required to go "commando" for the rest of the year. Inspectors may inspect the process at any time, requiring spot checks of any of the Senators, Congressmen and the President.

Members of the newly organized T&A authority (from the old, TSA--Transportation Security Authority) will be on hand to perform the inspections.

As far as the back of the seal is concerned, it will remain unchanged said representatives of the new law.

"We like the image of the eye," Congressman Hasaprice continued. "It could be symbolic for the public eye, or the eye of God. And the quote, Novus Ordo Scrotum, freely taken from a Virgin, means literally, "a new world order." We like that too."

In other news today, Britney Spears, tired of all the publicity, goes into hiding and orders a new scrotum on eBay.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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