US military officials have today unveiled their latest secret weapon in their fight to repel enemies, help dispel hostile crowds and to murder innocent civilians.
Called the Active Denial System, or ADS, it emits heat-rays by projecting an invisible high energy beam that produces a sudden burning feeling. The resultant effect has been likened to being in a microwave oven; anyone caught in its path, wants to run away.
Problems have arisen, however.
Despite the fact that US Army General AZ Killemall stressed the rays are harmless, there have been casualties.
During a 3-month trial in Iraq, 48,000 civilians have been burned alive, as well as 2 insurgents, some of them "done to a crisp", whilst another 51 million people have rashes.
In Baghdad, two men were fried so thoroughly, that American soldiers of the 3rd Montana Panzer Division were able to eat them around a campfire with beans.
In Tikirit, home town of Saddam Hussein, who recently had his neck stretched, 70 sunbathers suffered serious injuries on their sunbeds when a column of vehicles carrying the new weapons tried to assist them in the tanning process. The screams of those being baked alerted other prospective bakees who, when they arrived at the scene, were also baked like potatoes; "harmlessly", say Army chiefs.
General WG Fixedbayonet said, "It's been nicknamed The Goodbye System and people who feel the heat certainly want to run away yelling Goodbye.
"Barring any serious setbacks", he went on, "the weapon will be deployed amongst troops who will then run amok, whilst appealing to the hearts and minds of these unwashed masses."