Written by Marc Loi
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Topics: Christian

Thursday, 25 January 2007

image for Former Christians sue churches, cite emotional distress
Where do you think they get the money to build these?

SALT LAKE CITY -- Attorneys for former Christians in America announced today they will file a lawsuit against all Christian churches for false advertising and emotional distress, according to documents filed in the US 3rd District Court in Utah.

Former believers and church attendees are seeking compensation for the amount of time wasted attending church and praying to 'God,' whom the group says it's never seen nor spoken with.

"We got an inkling very early on that this was all false -- you know, sort of like a pyramid scheme," said Dan Mitchell, one of the more than 1 million plaintiffs named in the lawsuit. "But we continued to invest money and time on God, thinking we might get to see him one day. Now we know it's all false."

Established almost 2,000 years ago, the God Network has millions of members worldwide, and headquarters and branches in almost every city in the world.

"They're very good at what they do," said psychological fraud expert Betty Stiner, who spent nearly 15 years researching the organization from within and as a member.

"One of the reasons they're successful is that they're very convincing, but also very mysterious. Every time members bring up a concern, they would be told that God has it taken care of. Who could say no to that?"

In all, it is estimated that the organization has made trillions of dollars selling a product that seemingly doesn't exist, according to Stiner.

Perhaps more disturbingly, citing a Human Rights Watch report, Mitchell said million of lives have also been displaced and destroyed by the organization's propaganda.

"It's unacceptable -- you don't do that to people," Mitchell said at a press conference, as he dried away a tear. "We're a civilized society, we should be treating people with respect and dignity -- not lie to them and destroy their lives."

Proceedings for the lawsuit may be confusing, however, as attorneys are still trying to round up guilty parties to be named in the lawsuit.

"Because their organization is so wide and varied, we're having problems naming all the people we're suing," said Attorney Don Carl. "But know this, no matter how hard you run, we will find you. Justice will prevail."

Current names in the lawsuit include Ted Haggard, Billy Graham, Jesse Jackson and Pat Robertson, none of whom could be reached for comment due to prior commitments to "fundraising" events.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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