Late last night, President Bush signed an order approving funding for a multi-billion dollar research initiative for wormhole and time space singularity. The program will be headed by applied physicists at UC Berkely, CalTech and M.I.T. The goal as stated in the bill is to "form the foundation of a time portal." The Bush administration has stated the time portal could be "the only viable" solution in Iraq.
Defense secretary Robert Gates recently gave a press conference along with the physicists in charge of the program. As one of his first major projects as Secretary of Defense, Gates has not been shy about his support. "The Iraqis are not culpable here, neither is the United States, the real enemy here is the time-space continuum. It has been allowed to pass without any checks and balance on its behavior. That day ends now." Particle physics professor and research scholar Chad Winklemeyer could barely contain his giddyness. "We're all very excited at the renewed effort for time travel, the irony is, it took so much time for the government to realize time was the problem."
Political pundits from both parties have debated whether the new plan of action indicates any regret on behalf of President Bush for his 2003 decision to invade the country. Sean Hannity spoke, "The decision is not out of regret towards invading Iraq. Saddam had to go, if anything, Bush is telling time which has just passed so selfishly,' Bring it on'." He further added,"Think about it, in the past, we had less US deaths, less of an insurgency, a Republican congress instead of this unpatriotic one. It's a win-win situation."
President Bush spoke to a cheering audience of time-travel researchers at the University of California in Berkeley. It marked the first applause from a Berkeley audience, in the history of his six year presidency. President Bush wasn't unaware of the historic event. "I'm just honored to receive your applause next week I'll be back to talk about social security, don't forget how loud you applauded today."
Anticipating the Iraqi insurgency would start their own time travel program, the United States has begun an international crackdown on the Back to the Future trilogy, as well as the 2003 film, Timeline. MPAA president, Dan Glickman, backed up the action, "The last thing we want is to divulge any intelligence the enemy could use, we've removed at least 30,000 illegal copies of the sensitive material." Not wanting to deny anyone their entertainment value, they offered a solution, "Studios are in the process of producing internationally distributable versions of these films, re-cut and minus DVD special features that may aid our enemies." The program has generated so much buzz, even ex-Secretary of State Henry Kissinger contributed to the discussion. "I fully support this initiative, time is too important to be left to the Arabs."