It was reported today that foreign students enrolled in U-Cal Berkeley's cultural training course, America 101, received some eye-opening advice from Wall Street "Head Hunter" firm, Heads 'R Us. Head's 'R Us agent, Gillette Steale spoke to a group of 60 students representing many foreign countries and advised them to "get in touch with your inner Viking."
He said that foreign students need to get over their modesty and learn to sell themselves and be aggressive. Too often he says that interviewers hear answers such as, "I try hard" from foreign persons that make them seem weak and unsure of themselves.
"It's the passion that sells," he says. "Truth is secondary."
"We show them pictures of the Britney Spears no underwear moment to demonstrate the kind of unabashed, exhibitionism and self-promotion that is necessary to get a head in this country," says professor Buckley E. Filbertamous.
A spokesman for Lucent Technologies said that there are plenty of jobs available for foreign graduates, but they must first learn to say, "No!" To them it seems impolite, but in America it is a necessary skill.
Egyptian civil engineer student, Hatshespsut Isis observes that "Americans never get embarrassed. They will say or do anything to get their way."
Foreign students also report not knowing when to kiss another person, or use a handshake in American business culture.
"It's very confusing," said satirist and secret film maker, Sacha Baron Cohen. "One time I kiss American pig farmer and he smack in the face and point his finger at me telling me not to do that again. Very rough man."
During one interview with a man from the UK, after learning that he was an avid dancer, the interviewer really stepped in it when he asked what dance the man preferred, ballroom, or shag. You can imagine the reaction of the man. He couldn't keep a straight face the rest of the interview.
In another interview, this time with a man from New Zealand, the interviewer asked what the man's ambitions were. His reply: "Full tit." The man, who was interviewing with a female, was released from the interview immediately after the interviewer did not realize that the expression "full tit" simply meant achieve power.
Or when the same man was asked what his strengths were, the interviewer mistook his response, "Jacking up," or organizing, to mean jacking off. After which the interviewer promptly asked the man if he wanted a drink and he replied innocently, "Got any piss?"
Finally, at the end of the interview, when the interviewer asked where this man's roots were? The man turned bright red and asked if he really had to answer that question.
"But if you must know," he said, "usually in bed, but sometimes it gets a little kinky in the stair well or on the floor in the living room."
One Brazilian woman got into trouble when her response to her interviewer was, "Come to my house," which simply means, "Do you understand me?" in Latin American culture. But, or course, the North American interviewer took that one wrong instead.
"American culture is very confusing to the foreign student," said Professor Filbertamous. "They are constantly asking, "Where are all those white, blonde people we see on American TV? They are confused because America is not really like that."
To which one New Zealander's response to seeing the pantiless pictures of Britney Spears was, "You think you're a flower pot because you've got a hole in your bum."
We, at The Spoof magazine, feel that was a very appropriate response.