New York City's ban on trans fats will permit city residents to consume only a handful of foods such as cabbage, tofu, and chewing gum. Starting in 2008, New Yorkers will have to settle for eating to live rather than living to eat. Manhattan's many carnivores and doughnut lovers are getting tummy aches just thinking about it.
"Fat is where it's at," said Donald Beliebs, owner of "Don's House of Lard" in Chelsea. "The Declaration of Independence says my customers have the right to gorge themselves until their arteries burst. It's one of our inalienable rights: the pursuit of fattiness."
New Yorkers desperate to put some joy back into life are circulating petitions to legalize prostitution and heroin. "They'll go after porn next," grumbled Peter Morris as he harassed commuters for signatures at Penn Station. "Is beer out too?" asked one taker.
But New York entrepreneurs see opportunity in the new restrictions. Francine Chao has developed a line of exotic flavored chewing gum called Chewlicious. She believes deprived New Yorkers will use her trans fat free product in lieu of their favorite forbidden delights. "I think the roast beef and mashed potatoes will be a huge hit," she said.