Savannah River, South Carolina - (Ass Mess): Conclusive proof that human beings existed 50,000 years before the hybrid sub-species of homo creationists has been found by a scientific survey probing archaeological remains along the Savannah River basin known as the Topper site.
And now the skeletal remains, artefacts and geological supports that back up Darwin's theory of evolution have thrown up stark evidence that not all early humans made it successfully along the evolutionary scale and that a dysfunctional proportion mutated into what is known today as the evangelical creationist faction of the species after generations of wanton incest crapped up the gene pool.
These grim findings may explain what has been termed the unfathomable mysteries of how assholes such as the Reverend Pat Robertson and the Rev Jerry Falwell could ever be part of the same species as the majority of normal non-mutant human beings who balk at the psychotic ravings of these self-publicising preachers and the millions of dollars they have amassed by influencing disorganised crime cartels of the Bush Administration.
Commenting on the latest findings archaeologist Albert Goodyear said today that "the proof is unique as it shows there really were people here before the Clovis roughly 13,000 years ago.
"As for the creationists, we will have all the DNA proof ready from our excavations in time for the 2008 White House election and hope to have traced all US evangelical preachers and their supporters to their mutant forefathers' DNA remains at the Topper."