Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: GOP, Iraq War

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

image for Iraqi Civil War Spreads to the Republican Party

Reports from Washington are that...since the November election...large numbers of despondent Republican leaders are committing suicide, and that many of them are taking their fellow Republicans along with them, in acts of suicidal desperation.

The widespread malaise, within the GOP ranks, has been triggered by George Bush's die-hard insistence on continuing to escalate the Iraq War, in spite of adamant opposition to the war, by the American people....and even though all of the experts...from Bush's own Joint Chiefs of Staff, to the commanding military leaders in Iraq, and the most in depth assessment yet...by leaders of the Iraq Study Group....all have told him that continuing the war is completely futile.

Republican politicians, and the back-room lobbyists who finance them, have already become depressed and despondent over the ethics reforms, passed by the new congress, which has taken away their unlimited pots of gold, and all of the fun of free jet-rides and ocean cruises, that came with the recent GOP culture of corruption.

However, with the adamant opposition of the American people to the War in Iraq, and with their anger rising into furry, Republican leaders realize that all of their vested interests may soon go down the drain, if Bush continues to ignore the recent election, and if admitting to being a 'Republican', becomes...in the mind of the public...synonymous with being 'evil'.

Harvard professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, remarked, "The Republican Party wanted to become a 'Big Tent' inviting in people representing many different conservative perspectives. However, it turned out that the only thing all these people have in common is the worship of self-centered greed. Greedy people tend to despise each other. And, amid this frenzy of finger-pointing, scapegoating, and buck-passing since the November election, the level of mutual hate has boiled over into a civil war, within the Republican Party, over vested interests."

With all US forces stretched to the limit, in Iraq, if may fall on UN Secretary Kofi Annan, to try to find a way to quell the GOP Civil War.

In Washington, when confronted with the statistic that only 11% of Americans favor Bush's Iraq surge proposal, Tony Snow replied, "We think those results can be taken many ways, and we take it to mean that most Americans would not like to see us pull out, and be defeated in Iraq."

At a news conference, Dick Cheney remarked, "As oil executives, we want to make it abundantly clear, that no amount of bloodshed, and loss of innocent lives, will deter us from controlling Iraq's oil. We took it, fair and square, and we will kill anybody who tries to get in our way."

Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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