Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Iraq, Newt Gingrich

Monday, 8 December 2003

December 7, 2003 Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, stated that the Bush Administrations policy in Iraq had "gone off the cliff". Mr. Gingrich, who knows a great deal about going over cliffs, having done so himself several times, said that he loved the actual invasion, saying "Now there was a party...bombs, babes and booze....and that was just at my place." but that the Administration's post thumping strategy left much to be desired.

Mr. Gingrich's comments came on the heels of Secretary of Defense Ronald Dumsfeld... uh, Donald Rumsfeld's questions about whether the size of the new Iraqi Security Forces would be adequate. Mr. Rumsfeld stated, "While we are quite satisfied with the American and Coalition death tolls, and are pleased with the amount of civilian non combatant deaths, we don't think that size of the Security Forces casualties will be anywhere near high enough, given the size of the proposed Iraqi Security Force. We'll need more dead bodies there or terrorism will triumph."

The White House released a statement calling both Mr. Gingrich and Secretary Rumsfeld
"Bleeding heart liberals who don't know how to keep their fucking mouths shut."

Mr. Rumsfeld defended his position saying, "Over population is a terrible problem and this Administration is committed to doing everything possible to bring the number of people dying in line with the number of people being born each day. While we've made some inroads, we can't be satisfied until we achieve parity between those numbers. We need tactical nukes, landmines, global warming, AIDS and a new, as yet unnamed pandemic, something like in 28 Days Later, to really get the job done. We as Americans must take the lead in this."

Mr. Gingrich said, "Have you seen my new wife? Hot, huh?"

Finally, conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, fresh from his five week stay a drug rehabilitation center has stated, " Look, so I got a little fucked up for a few years, no biggie. The important thing to remember is I'm a wealthy Conservative with close ties to the White House and millions of listeners that are stupid enough to believe every thing I tell them. It's not like I was some ghetto junkie or worse, a Democrat, so shut up and give me a pill."

President Bush, who has met with Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Gingrich many times and considers them his friends said, "Rush who? Newt who?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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