Written by Pointer
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Monday, 8 January 2007

image for Forget SAT, ACT, New Hot # is BMI
How fat are you?

Schools across America are adopting a new practice to fight childhood obesity. Forget the days of schoolyard bullying and taunting, now your fatass son or immense daughter can be humiliated by a letter from the Principal's office.

Parents are being notified on a regular basis of their child's BMI (Body Mass Index). Since the fat apple doesn't fall far from the extra-large tree, dumpy dad and magnum mom get to be reminded of how their obese genes and their ravenous appetites are plaguing the next generation ,even while they are taking care of their diabetic, heart diseased gigantor elderly parents and beginning to experience the deadly consequences of their own ocean-liner-sized bodies.

The idea for sending home an FPA (Fat Point Average) was first suggested by fitness expert, Jack Armstrong the VII. In an interview with Education Week Magazine, Armstrong told how he came up with the idea:

"True, Great-Great etc Grampa was a 90lb weakling who got sick of getting sand kicked in his face by muscular beach bullies while he sat on his beach blanket with the hottest babes in the world. You all know how this experience drove him to invent a tremendously successful fitness program advertised on the back cover of every comic book right near the sea monkeys ad (remember those cute little buggers with castle and the sea monkey king, but I digress). Anyway, our family got so rich off of the profits we all developed serious weight problems. Well, one time in CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine) classes, a letter from the Religious education Director arrived in our home. The letter was the usual grade end report card but scrawled on the back of the letter were the words- Jack Armstrong is a LARDASS!!

"Well, my parents were furious and boy was I embarrassed. Later we found out that the Director had some students stuff the envelopes and they must have thought it would be funny to tease me about my weight problem. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. From that day on I dieted and exercised until I was the same magnificent specimen of fitness as my ancestor."

When asked by the interviewer if he ever found out who wrote the insult, Jack answered that he sure did and kicked sand in everyone of their wise ass faces!

Armstrong figures these BMI letters will have the same life transforming effect that the "Lardass letter" had on him. He also added that students interested in greater fitness could find his new program advertised on the back of comic books everywhere right next to the ad for the new, improved sea monkeys.

In a related story, students have taken to kicking sand in the faces of school principals right around end of the year report card time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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