Written by Pointer

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Topics: School, Catholic

Sunday, 7 January 2007

image for Catholic High Schools Pull for Mandatory Drug Testing
These samples all returned positive

Catholic High schools across the country are turning to mandatory drug testing of all students through a California firm that tests hair samples and guarantees accuracy within 90 days preceding the test.

One Associate Head from the southwest was quoted as saying: "Our schools really care about our kids. We can see how they are driven to drug use by our educational system and we want to give them another reason to just say No!"

When asked by Catholic theologian, ET McCrone, if this was not a contradiction in the developing sense of human rights in Catholic Social teaching, another Associate Head commented: "Drugging is not a human right and if we can target those bad apples and protect our good kids then Amen, I say".

Mc Crone always one to have the last word wrote to us with his opinion which will be printed at the end of this report.

A student group protesting the new policy nailed the following theses to the door of a local catholic Cathedral:

Reflections on Catholic Hair fetish:

1) What happened to Samson when that aggressive woman sister Delilah cut his hair?

3) If Jesus was a Nazarene, did he take a pledge never to have his hair cut? What if he went to our school; WWJD?

4) Who will cut 1,250 teenagers' hair? Individually wrap them, mail them to California, and pay $40 per student while the hungry starve and the naked freeze? And what music will play during the film version of the sheering? The theme song from the 60's Broadway musical "hair" has been rejected by the producers.

5) Is it true that legions of human rights advocates are cutting hair samples from everything from their pets to their pubes (good name for a rock group!) And sending them to satisfy this hair fetish?

6) Will "from their pets to their pubes" hold a benefit concert to raise funds for the refuseniks' legal fees as they resist this violation of their pot-saturated fur?(another good name for a rock group!)

7) Will pot-saturated fur make a surprise appearance at FTPTTP's charity balls? (yet another...)

8) Is there an underground movement where student refuseniks are shaving off almost all of their hair from head to toe so the hair snatcher will have to reach down their pants to glean the golden fleece they so long for?

9) is it true that bleach blondes are free from detection because their chosen hair treatment kills all traces of everything detectable and that the student bodies have been transformed into a modern version of Hitler youth?

10) Some say this has been the plan all along as the bleach soaks into their already addled brains(the result of the deadly combination of conservative Catholicism and fine living) the bleached blonde hoards will be seen offering the zig heil to the sinister likes of catholic heads across America and the ze verld!

The following is ET Mc Crone's commentary:

ET McCrone, Tucson Elevator Operator:

Since 1891, the Social Encyclicals of the Catholic Church have been expanding the Church's vision of human rights.

Leo XIII's Rerum Novarum accepted workers' rights. Quadragessimo Anno was Pius IX 's reaffirmation of this broad view of human rights in 1931. John XXIII celebrated the anniversary with Mater et Magister and Pacem in Terris' denunciation of war and violence. Paul VI defended the rights of the poor in Octogesima Adviens and Populorum Progressio and John Paul II celebrated this new Catholic vision of human rights in Centisimus Annus in 1991.

Authentic Catholic Social Teaching has taken our understanding of human rights over the last one hundred years beyond the rights declared by secular governments.

A true Catholic high school would teach their students that they have more inviolable rights than their public school peers, not less.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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