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Friday, 5 January 2007

image for Poetry Slam Ends In Fight - Seven People Treated For Girly Slap Marks, Sissy Scratches
Underwood, reciting his poem "Oh, My Wretched Burning".

Seattle - A poetry slam here ended in tragedy yesterday when a fight broke out among the twenty-seven poets at the Sip 'N' Surf coffee shop. Though no one was killed (damn) seven members had to be treated for girly slap marks and sissy scratches.

"It was horrifying," said James Underwood, 23, a self-proclaimed poet and alleged cause of the fight. "I was reading my poem called Fly Away Beautiful Bird, when someone in the audience started taunting me. The next thing I knew, I just lost it."

The taunting came from Sarah Higgins, 21, a student at Seattle State. "The poem was lame," she said. "James kept saying, 'fly away, beautiful bird! Fly to the sky so high! Fly, fly, fly, fly! Fly away, birdie bird!'"

Higgins said she got sick of it and made the comment, "Hey, James! Why don't you put the word 'fly' in there somewhere?"

"It was just a joke," said Higgins. "But I guess James can't take a joke. Suddenly, he made this high-pitched screeching sound and came at me."

Higgins said that Underwood began to scratch and slap her, screaming like a girly-man the whole time.

"She insulted my work," says Underwood. "She deserved what she got."

"Suddenly, everyone was in on it," said Higgins. "You should have seen all those guys, scratching, pinching and clawing, calling each other 'big meanies' and 'poo-poo heads'. They pulled each others hair and I think one guy even bit another."

The fight continued for over five minutes. When it was over, everyone began to cry and hug.

"James came up to me and told me he was sorry," Higgins said. "I told him to go screw himself."

Although police were called to the scene, no one was taken into custody because, as police said, "It was just too, damn funny."

"I wrote a poem about it," said Underwood. "It goes like this: Oh, wretched scratches! Oh, burning slaps! Will thou ever cease to sting my soul? Oh, no! Oh, no! Doth thou ever knowest and bestowest upon thy thee of thou now? Oh, no! Oh, no!"

With that, Higgins said, "Hey, James! Why don't you put the word 'Oh' in there somewhere?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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