Written by Chris Hanson
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Friday, 5 January 2007

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COLUMBIA, S.C. - Sven Oafsen is no ordinary Norwegian.

He is a pituitary case, 12 feet and still growing at 33.

He is an albino with a morbid aversion to sunlight who wears dark glasses even to bed.

He is a masochist who beats himself with whips and drives nails into his toes.

And he is on death row for squashing six children in a MacDonalds family restaurant in Pettigrew, S.C., while on a driving trip in which he dyed his skin brown to impersonate an African-American.

"Sven experienced some rejection as a child, but now he is getting a taste of real persecution, and he likes it," said his brother Lars, who is also his father.

"He did not intentionally crush those kids but was convicted of murder," said Lars. "He requested pickled herring and cod balls for his last meal, but is getting grits, which delighted him because he hates grits."

Execution by lethal injection is scheduled for 12:01 a.m. next Wednesday. Naked Britney Spears and Nude Paris Hilton refused the albino's last request that they fallate him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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