Written by SamIAm
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Thursday, 4 January 2007

image for Studies Reveal - Women Who Tailgate Fulfilling Need To Cuddle
Wanna cuddle?

Washington - Doctors in Seattle have finished a five year study as to why tailgating was more common among women, and the results were announced Tuesday.

"After extensive study," says Dr. Christian Wallard, 44, "we have come to the conclusion that women who constantly ride the tailgate of the car in front of them are actually fulfilling the need to cuddle."

Wallard stated that most women do not get to cuddle with their partners, therefore the unfulfilled need is transposed in their driving behavior.

"I use to hate it when a woman would tailgate me!" said Hector Johanson, 32, a construction worker for the city. "Now that I know that they are doing it to fulfill a physical need, it's not so irritating!"

Johanson says that he didn't get much attention from women, "Why, with my long nose hairs an' all," but that he would take any attention he could get.

"I use to hit my brakes and laugh when they had to screech to a stop!" Johanson continued. "Now, I just crank up some jazz and smoke a cigarrette!"

Husbands of the test subjects were not so happy with the results.

"I never knew my wife had this problem!" Said Charles Martinez,36, a husband of one of the wives. "If she would have just told me how badly she wanted to cuddle instead of running around getting her needs fulfilled by some old-fart in a Chevy, I could have fixed the problem." Then, pulling on his hair he wailed, "God! Why didn't I just cuddle? Why?"

Not all men feel flattered at knowing they are being tailgated by women for physical reasons.

"I felt dirty, like I was cheating." Stated Richard Phillips, who had found out about the test results and purposefully let women tailgate. "I love my wife, but when that blonde in the pick-up rode my butt like that I just couldn't help myself!"

Phillips says that he suffered tremendous guilt over the female tailgating, and that he had been better off not knowing of the "cuddle factor".

"Many of these folks will need counseling," says Dr. Wallard. "The women will need to confront this desire to cuddle, and find ways to fulfill it safely. The men's role is obvious. Cuddle with your wives, dammit!"

State Legislators are attempting to create laws in light of the new evidence.

"We don't want men taking advantage of insecure women in the middle of rush hour." bitched Lisa Higgins, 44, a State Representitive. "Leave it to those evil, walking sex hormones we call men to drive slow just so they can get their kicks by thinking they are fulfilling some woman's unfulfilled need!"

Higgins says that she is seeking to pass a "tailgating sexual harassment" law that would prosecute men who drove below the speed limit while allowing a woman to tailgate.

"These men need to be punished!" she hissed, fighting back flashbacks from her childhood. "It's about time someone came out with evidence that didn't exist before, to prove something that no one ever thought about in the first place in order to punish men!"

Higgins added that she knew all along men were to blame for her lack of driving skills.

"I knew there had to be a connection," she says. "I kept telling myself that somehow men were to blame. Now we just need to find out how to blame them for PMS."

Meanwhile, the men say they will purchase the new bumper sticker that says, "Back Off, Lady! I Only Cuddle With My Wife!"

"That's so offensive!" said Higgins. "Men are the source of the problem, but they have no right to try and find solutions!"

Doctors are studying other possible areas in life where women express insecurity.

Results from that study should be out next Fall.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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