Salt Lake City, Ut - Officials here issued a statement that the words "Jihad" and "pigs" would no longer be allowed in the English language based on repeated complaints from a local father and his family.
"Because of recent events," says Al Caida, Administrator for the Department of Education, "we have decided that we will not provoke the anger of sensitive and paranoid people. If a word is offensive, the best thing to do is to pretend that it does not exist."
The complaint over the offensive words "Jihad" and "pigs" had come from a local father, Ben Louden. "I was shocked when my eight year-old daughter came home reciting the story of the three little...well, you-know-what's," says Louden, "I asked her where she had heard such filth, and she told me she heard it at school. I was very surprised."
Louden says that since pigs were seen as offensive to the religion of the terrorist, then to use the word would only provoke more attacks. As for the use of the word "Jihad", which is the name of one of his daughter's fellow students, Louden says that it should be changed to Bob, or Marvin.
"Whenever I hear it, I get scared," squealed Louden, peeing his pants, "I don't want to hear anything that may offend me in even the slightest measure. Heil, Hitler."
"We think that people should just stop talking altogether," says FBI Security Chief, Ivana Shuchu. "It's pretty simple, really. Say something that the masses disagree with, and you'll find yourself in prison. Long live Satan."
Jihad Rishad, the student under fire, says that he did not mean to be born with such an offensive name. "I never dreamed that my name could endanger the security of America," he said, "I love this country, and would never do anything to hurt my people here!"
Officials dissected seven year-old Jihad's, or Marvin's last statement in order to find hidden messages meant for his terrorist network. "He obviously said, 'endanger the security of America,'" claims FBI code-breaker, Ima Trader, also known as, "The Bomb" by her friends. "Marvin also said, 'hurt my people here'. If that isn't a threat to America, I don't know what is! Bow down to Mohammad."
The Department of Education is looking for other words to ban. "There are allot of words we'd like to see taken out of the English language," says Terah Rist, a Language professor and Secretary of Overly Sensitive Americans Making Accusations group, also known as, OSAMA. "We want to see an end to offensive words such as: art, rights, love, God and terms, such as: 'I disagree with that', 'I am special', and 'Oh, God, please don't kill me'. All of these need to go!"
President Bush is expected to sign the new law that bans these words sometime in April.
"I can't fight these people. I'm licked." Says Bush.