Written by Dan Barash
Print this
Topics: Sex, New Year

Tuesday, 2 January 2007

image for More Sex Partners is Top New Year's Resolution
Most of us want more of this in 2007.

Having more sex partners is America's top New Year's resolution for 2007. According to a survey by ACNielsen, 74% of us aspire to have more sex partners. This by followed by 12% who want to lose weight, and 8% who want to stop getting called for these stupid surveys.

"It's not surprising that fewer people want to lose weight or quit smoking," said Tom Mason, Chief Marketing Officer at ACNielsen. "Those are things that are tough to do and not too enjoyable. Having more sex with more people is a hell of a lot more fun." Mr. Mason, who is married, said he is "just interpreting the survey results" and not speaking from person experience.

The declining fortunes of the Republican right may be part of our desire to have some naughty fun. "The GOP message can basically be boiled down to 'Sex is bad and war is good,'" says politico-psychologist Fawney Bigelow, "and people are starting to question that." Former Republican congressman Don Sherwood, who admitted to adultery in a campaign commercial, is one of several Republicans who have worked overtime to remind Americans that violating the seventh Commandment has some pleasurable upsides.

Americans are also patterning their behavior after their celebrity heroes, who rely on frequent bed-hopping to stay on magazine covers and on top of search rankings. Young women who do not have the money or connections to live like Britney Spears can at least enjoy the slutty side of her lifestyle with a minimum of effort.

But for many of us having more sex partners may be a well-intentioned goal that fades a few weeks into January. Many experts say the most important factor in a successful resolution is having a realistic goal. Instead of setting your sights on screwing every babe in the neighborhood, just try to get it on with that cute girl next door.

Make Dan Barash's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 multiplied by 1?

1 7 14 2
35 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more