Written by Armedus Chunsky
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Topics: George W. Bush, noah

Saturday, 30 December 2006

image for Bush: "Grand Canyon Formed By Noah's Ark"
"The new Grand Canyon will be more ark friendly. Hey, you wanted a park..." said Bush.

In another environmental set back President George W. Bush has ordered Grand Canyon National Park to stop estimating the age of the slopes because right wing evangelicals are offended easily by the knowledge others gain in their elementary school classrooms, park signs that claim that the canyon was formed by erosion over millions of years are to be replaced with signs saying "Noah Was Here."

President Bush justified his power trip in an address to the American people.

"Good evening, and welcome to The Grand Canyon, the only monument on earth formed by Noah's ark. Now you all may live on this planet. I say you may live on earth because I am trying to garner to votes of illegal aliens. Take me to your leader. If you live on this earth, you need to know how it was created."

The president took out legos that had been built to resemble an ark, then took out plastic animals.

"This is a pig. It goes moo," said that president, "and it was on Noah's ark. Now normally the ark would have crashed against the walls of the canyon, breaking the ship faster than my approval rating dips. But because Noah strapped live pigs to the front as a buffer, the ark was saved and the canyon formed. Any questions?"

Every journalist raised their hands and began screaming at the president. The president look a question from a reporter who looked like Jeff Gannon with a beard. The nameless reporter asked, "how do you work with scientists who have distanced themselves from God forever separating themselves from salvation?"

"That's a very good question," the president replied, "and I do not have all the answers. But God does and that is why He forged his canyon using Noah's ark and if you believe in teaching both sides of the issue to park visitors than you are insane. I mean, why teach both sides of an issue when mine is obviously the correct one? I'm the decider."

Scientists are frustrated that President Bush continues to ignore reality. The Union of Concerned Scientists released a statement saying that they hope that the parks service will recover after President Bush is booed out of office on his last day, but the president sees his moral forests initiative lasting for years to come. He assures his ever shrinking base that, "soon we will be distributing broachers to Columbia Gorge that say the land was not shaped by boulders caught in a flood but from magical Jesus pixies."

President Bush is expected to announce his plan for a Free National Health Care System, in which Jesus comes back from the dead and heals you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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