This may come to you as a surprise and you may not want to believe it, but a team of scientists working for the High-fivsor corporation today proved in an amazing study that the number one cause of all stress-related diseases for the American male was not his occupation, but keeping his trophy-wife happy.
In double-blind studies, which included real and placebo-wife groups, teams of scientists working for High-fivsor disproved original research (probably done by men with trophy-wives) attributing it to the male's profession.
"We've been working in the industry for a long time," commented research scientist, Dr. Bob Marley "and we've seen these types of numbers add up. The most common forms of stress related illnesses," said the researcher are:
- Cardiovascular diseases such as Heart attacks
- High blood pressure resulting from hypertension
- Migraine & severe tension headaches
- Chronic stress problems such as sleep disorders
- increased fatigue
- weight loss
- extreme sweating
- anxiety problems
- tension and pain in the muscle
- severe depression
- back problems
- eye problems
- Travel sickness
- the common cold or flu
- severe pain in the body joints
- Immune system diseases and the many forms of cancer.
The researchers added that for some cases, the illness may prove to be fatal to the individual, resulting in possible death.
"So, you still want a trophy wife?" he asked reporters.
The study which took place over five years confirmed researcher's initial suspicions after witnessing a strong pattern of stress-related ailments among American men making over $100,000 a year. It was initially thought that the problems were being caused by the highly stressful occupations of these men, but further research and deeper insight proved it to be related to their wives.
Speaking about trophy wives, commented CEO and founder of SLAP institute in Scary, North Carolina, Jim Goodmorning, "It's not what they do, that is the problem. It's what they don't do, but expect out of you."
But analysts and high-end matchmakers like Bonnie Winston in Beverley Hills say that the American trophy wife is the perfect match to the American male who is stressing and working under high pressure to make six-figures.
"She counters his passionate ambition," Winston says, "by doing nothing. She might go out to play tennis, or have her nails done, but that's about it."
Reporters at The Spoof were reported thinking, "My God, what's so hard about that?"
High-fivsor has received criticism from the League of Trophy Women Voters for singling out this group of women as the problem in their research. But Marley confirmed that all the company wants to do is inform the American public.
"We want everyone to live a more authentic life," he said.
There was no rebuttal after by the League after that.
In other news today, CBS will be airing its new series, "Husbands of The Trophy Wives" this Sunday evening after the game.