Washington DC - (Ass Mess): The 39th President of the United States, Gerald Ford, has been accorded a full state funeral this weekend after the Bush Administration heaved a sigh of relief that neither the FBI, CIA, NSA nor the Pentragram had published classified transcripts of NATO file about his pardon of pathological lying bastard Richard Nixon.
When Nixon was finally busted in 1974 after VP Spiro Agnew was unceremoniously booted out of Capitol Hill over mass corruption charges, Ford stepped into the Presidential office and lamely admitted that Nixon had been a "national nightmare".
He then went on to pardon his predecessor after Osteoporosis Division heavies from the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones (George Bush Senior, Henry Kissinger, Armand Hammer etc) put a little unsubtle pressure on him via promising to press charges against his drunken wife Betty who had a blackmail technique that made Nancy Reagan look like Mother Theresa of Calcutta.
Paying tribute to Ford, President George Bush said yesterday that Ford would be afforded a full ceremonial lying-in-state followed by the kind of funeral that they had had to give Ronald Reagan after Enron CEO Ken Lay threatened to publish the Bush Family's offshore accounts relating to the fallen energy giant's off-balance sheet enterprises:
"For a nation that needed gagging", said Bush, "and an office that needed a total and reliable whitewash of Warren Commission calibre, Gerald Ford came along when we needed him most.
"They very nearly had to hand over Poppy (Bush) to the Feds after that ugly business in Santiago with General Pinochet, but we did a deal and whaddyaknow? The rest is hystery."
Meanwhile Ford's successor Jimmy Carter chipped in his 50c worth by declaring:
"Gerald Ford wisely chose the path of concealment and cover-up during a deeply disgusting time in our nation's history.
"He frequently rose above politics by emphasizing the need for bipartisan disinformation campaigns and seeking common ground on issues critical to our nation, such as letting the Bushes off the hook for everything since the Bay of Pigs."
The funeral will be Capitol Rotunda in Washington on Saturday evening.