Written by Armedus Chunsky
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Thursday, 28 December 2006

image for Sen. Ted Kennedy Enthusiastically Dumps Liquor Into Boston Harbor
Scientists chart Ted Kennedy's increasing alcohol content.

A study by researchers at the University of Washington is music to Senator Ted Kennedy's ears. The researchers discovered that Puget Sound in Washington State is beginning to taste like vanilla and cinnamon because of holiday baking.

The impact baking has the environment greatly concerns Senator Ted Kennedy who released a statement on the matter. "A similar study by my personal team of experts informs me that we can minimize the environmental impact of the vanilla and cinnamon in our oceans by pouring large quantities of alcohol into Boston Harbor, and only Boston Harbor."

Senator Kennedy assures the public that his main concern is to help the environment and that he does not have a personal agenda. He says that it will be like the environmentalist's Boston Tea Party and will send a powerful message to polluters and pastry chefs. Still, many are not convinced of Kennedy's intentions.

"He is going to get so hammered that he may jump naked from the Green Monster screaming 'I can fly, I can fly!,'" said one Boston college student. "I am so voting for that guy. He knows how to party. Woo!"

The senator has encouraged his constituents to pour all the alcohol they can into the dirty water, and is even encouraging evangelicals to protest liberal drinking habits by pouring all the alcohol in the city into the gutter.

"You heard me, every last drop must be dumped out because of, uh, Al Gore said to do it. Okay, so he didn't, but the vanilla is hurting the fish, *hick up*, so, uh, I will not stand for it."

Senator Kennedy than proceeded to ramble on about burning witches, fell asleep on the podium and drooled on the microphone.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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