Written by Dan Barash
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Topics: Christmas, Santa

Wednesday, 27 December 2006

image for Santa Claus Lashes Out at Regifting
Don't you dare regift

Sources at Santa's North Pole headquarters say that he is angry and bitter about the increasing popularity of regifting. Mrs. Claus reportedly told close friends that Santa was "getting tired of busting his ass" to deliver gifts that the recipients end up passing on to others. He was also said to be livid when he saw a number of his carefully selected presents for sale on eBay.

In recent years regifting has become more socially acceptable. Most etiquette experts have no qualms about regifting as long as the perpetrator does not get caught. Santa Claus selects gifts with great care based on a secret "naughty and nice" algorithm, and could hardly be blamed for being upset that his efforts are undermined.

An elf interviewed outside the gate of Santa's workshop said "The fat man will whack you with a Wii," just for mentioning the "R word". Santa has refused to comment directly on regifting, but responded to one reporter's questions by grumbling "Ho, ho, whatever."

2006 has been a difficult year for St. Nick and his fans hope the regifting craze does not drive him over the edge. PETA has strongly criticized the treatment of the reindeer, and Blitzen has demanded a salary equal to Rudolph's. The elves have threatened to join a union if labor conditions do not approve. A greater concern may be Santa's ever expanding waistline. His obesity is rumored to have lead to serious health issues, not to mention several embarrassing run-ins with narrow chimneys. Santa's one concession to diet concerns has been the "one cookie per house" rule.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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