Written by Dan Barash
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Monday, 25 December 2006

image for Bush Vows to Prevail Against "War on Christmas"
Going extinct?

President Bush stated once again today that the "War on Christmas" will not succeed. With polls showing that most Americans believe Christians cannot win against the anti-Christmas forces, Bush has been ratcheting up the pro-Christmas rhetoric. In an unprecedented Christmas address, Bush rallied the country to defend Christmas against the infidels. "We will fight them in the malls, and big-box stores, and public spaces all over this great country," said Bush.

The anti-Christmas forces, a loose alliance of Jews, Muslims, Wiccans, atheists and other heathens have been making gains in recent months. Nativity scenes are down 40% from last year, and "Happy Holidays" greetings are outnumbering "Merry Christmas" more than three to one. A recent CNN poll had only 17% of Americans being able to correctly identify the religious figure whose birth is celebrated at Christmas. Jesus came in third after Britney Spears and Santa Claus.

Bush has dismissed calls from the bipartisan Holiday Study Group to give up defending Christmas and shift the focus to defending Easter from attacks by bunny rabbits and colorful candy eggs. "We are a Christian country, and we will not cut and run when it comes to Christmas," he said.

Bush has promised a new strategy for defending Christmas in 2007, but has given few details so far. Insiders believe the White House will triple the number of overtly religious Christmas cards it sends out next year. "No matter what it takes, we're putting Christ back in Christmas," said one highly placed source. "And then we'll put the you-know-what back in country music."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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