Written by President Bush
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Topics: Cats, Murder, Killing

Sunday, 24 December 2006

image for Serial Kitty Terrorizes New England Town
"Mr Whiskers" captured on Walmart security cam

They call him "Mr Whiskers" .. the folks in Cumberland Maine. "It's usually the same MO" Police Chief William Radcliffe pointed out. First the devil kitty hides under or behind some object, say a box or chair, waits for his victim to walk by then, WHAMO .. fatality. The little dickens then runs like the devil into the woods where he can't be found.

One former Walmart shopper for example reached for a box of Cap'n Crunch only to find Mr Whiskers, claws sharpened, fangs glistening. After a brief struggle all movement stopped and the Cumberland Crime Scene Unit was summoned. Police chief Radcliffe said,

"This time we had a clue .. a track of bloody kitty paw prints leading from what was left of the deceased, through the Nintendo Wii section, out the door, across the parking lot into a forest where we kind of lost his trail. We'll get that cat though mark my words."

Photos of Mr Whiskers show that he's not a big cat or a mighty cat. Mr Whiskers, authorities believe is in fact a kitten, a kitty who somehow learned the fine art of murder using nothing more than his fangs and his claws.

So far over 11 mangled, beheaded partially eaten bodies have been found in Cumberland Maine, many of them believed to have been killed by Mr Whiskers. President Bush has in fact declared the town a disaster area, eligible for federal funds. Bush told reporters,

"We're not sending in the National Guard just yet but if that cat kills another human American again I might just send in the Marines."

Cumberland authorities are advising all residents to:

  • Travel in pairs WITH a gun, preferably loaded
  • Always have a bag of Catnip on hand as a diversion
  • Not open, pickup, push back or slide away ANYTHING for the love of God


"We're catching that cat" Chief Radcliffe said,

"Just as soon as we find him."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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