New York - Statisticians and researchers are scratching their collective heads over this one - as many as five percent of Americans have not had sexual relations prior to their marriage. A visibly shaken President Bush has vowed to work with Congress to help correct this, in his words, "grave situation."
The study's author, Lawrence Finer of the Guttmacher Institute, welcomed the prospect of government assistance for the sexually challenged. "Good God," he said during a press teleconference, "how can we - who have sent men to the moon - still have adults that are not 'doing it' regularly? I say it's time to end the war on terrorism and begin the war on virginity!"
In a hastily called special session, Congress took up the cause and has approved sweeping war powers for the President. These include the institution of 'sex farms' where virgins will be required to remain until they have sex; the distribution of 'I did it, did you?' hats, pins and t-shirts; and an Executive Order mandating that virgins no longer be allowed to marry.
Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America, and a of fan abstinence-only education (though probably not a virgin herself) has, what she believes to be, an innovative solution to the problem. "I think it's terrible that young people are feeling so much pressure to take the 'sex step' before they step down the aisle," she said, "I know that these young men and women have natural urges but society has stymied them. I'd like to see us get the age of marriage lower - much, much lower.
"Some states," she continued, "New Hampshire comes to mind, already have very flexible marriage laws. There, women as young as 13 can marry men as young as 14 as long as the parents give their blessing. I'd be interested in whether New Hampshire has the same terrible levels of premarital sex as the rest of America."
When told of her remarks, Finer scoffed, "I know of Crouse and her band of no sex crazies; but she's totally missing the point. The goal isn't that more people be virgins on their wedding day, it's that more people have more sex regardless of whether they are married or not. Happily, by the age of 44, 99 percent of people have had intercourse. Now if we can only bring that age down and the percentage up America will be a better country."
Casting aside his previous support for abstinence programs for unmarried people, Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, voiced his strong support for steps to correct the shocking numbers of virgins plaguing America. "We have to take decisive steps today before this problem becomes any worse; and I will do everything in my power to ensure more Americans are having sex early and often."