Written by James Cavahl
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Monday, 18 December 2017

image for Game show contestant told he's not allowed to ignore the studio audience's mindless shouting
This is more like it.

Hollywood, CA - In an unprecedented move, taping of The Price is Right has been put on hold after 34-year-old contestant Jonathan Elders failed to engage the room full of mouth-breathing spazwits who've been bussed in from the burbs to constantly shout useless advice.

Unlike every other contestant who's ever appeared on the show, Elders did not turn to the screaming audience for help with a gormless expression on his face every time he had to decide which box to pick. Instead, he stood with his back to them and silently studied the display panel in a thoughtful manner. Long-time host Drew Carey stopped the show halfway through and took Elders aside to tell him he would not proceed to the next round if he continued to ignore the braying herd.

"Jonathan's lack of engagement with the audience is ruining the atmosphere of phony excitement," said Carey. "It's totally unacceptable. Nobody wants to watch some guy just standing there quietly and thinking things through. The show needs a sense of high drama about it to keep the morons at home from changing channels, and this is only achieved by everyone engaging in a lot of yelling and screaming where nothing is comprehensible and in the end the contestant picks a random box out of desperation."

Executive producer Sue Winthrop elaborated on Carey's point.

"We screen all potential contestants to make sure they're energetic dimwits and obviously Jonathan passed otherwise he wouldn't have been selected, but it's now clear he was only feigning enthusiastic stupidity. It's vital that both the studio audience and the viewers at home feel as though they're part of an exciting event, not just a thinly disguised hour of product placement. Companies are paying us a bung-load of money for prime time exposure so it's our job to create a buzz around their latest consumer items. We want our viewers drooling over new cars and white goods so they go out and buy thousands of them. Jonathan's calm, rational behavior is interfering with the mood of impulsive purchasing, and we can't have that."

At this stage it's unclear whether Elders can bring himself to face the mob of gibbering blockheads or if he'll get out while his sanity is still intact.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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