Written by D. L. Hawkinson
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Topics: Turtles

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

image for Squirrel Bridge Construction Funding Eliminated, Squirrels now at Greater Risk
Squirrel happily crossing another bridge without fear of ending up under a steel-belted radial

Spokane. The proposed "Squirrels at Twelve O'Clock High" overhead street bridge that would safely link squirrels from South Elm Street to North Elm Street may not be completed after all, due to a decision by the city council to eliminate all current and future funding for anything related to squirrels.

Elmer Vacsnererin, newly elected council member, commented, "In my day, we shot squirrels. We didn't help them safely across the street."

Victoria Sneeds, twice-elected council member and designer of the proposed bridge, shot back: "His day is long past. We need to move forward against such blatant barbarism. The squirrels are our brothers and sisters. We must save the squirrels!"

Vacsnererin was skeptical. He charged that the bridge was just the start for Sneeds. In a shocking revelation, he said his investigators had discovered that Sneeds was in the early stages of designing a tunnel for turtles to cross under East Locust Street to West Locust Street at a cost that "would handsomely set up her retirement account," according to Vacsnererin.

"She doesn't care about the critters," Vacsnererin sneered. "She's in it for the money."

After four more hours of rancorous debate, the council fell silent and made its decision. On a three to two vote, the funding for the "Squirrels at Twelve O'Clock High" overhead street bridge went down to defeat. Sneeds openly wept.

Sneeds was also later reprimanded "for abusing her public position for private profit, even if it intended to save squirrels from certain death, disfigurement, and possible bruises and abrasions."

The heart-breaking effects of the council decision have already been witnessed by several bystanders and passersby: Squirrels on the south side of Elm Street are now unwilling to risk visiting their friends and relatives on the north side of Elm Street.

"It's just too dangerous," one squirrel said, through an interpreter. "The city council really let us down."

"We'll find a way to get even," chirped his buddy. "We always do."
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Editor's note: Though this story was inspired by a note left scratched on a beer can by LeRoy Ephers, he refuses to take credit for it in his ongoing boycott of The Spoof for its exploitation of writers. See his story that pretty much explains it all: http://www.thespoof.com/spoof-news/entertainment-gossip/129098/writer-refuses-spoof-ploitation-quits-plans-march. To date, he's lost interest in planning a march but would be willing to participate if anyone else would like to take over the planning duties. A few cases of beer would sweeten the deal, Ephers admitted.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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