Washington D.C. - Bernie has done it again. His new healthcare bill draft is pure genius. And it's not what you think.
Inspired by the British national socialist medical pogrom, and Prince Charles' desire to be reincarnated as an AIDS virus, detailed in this article, everyone will have free insurance.
Surgeries will only be performed upon patients who demonstrate good behavior. For example a patient who comes in to the emergency room after stepping on broken glass, will have to show that for a period of six months following the accident he has switched to plastic cups. After this is certified by the appropriate government officials, the
patient will be admitted to surgery.
Patients who have been shot will have to demonstrate that for a period of six months following the shooting they have located to a safer location and have avoided contact with criminals. After this is certified by the sheriff they will be admitted to surgery.
Patients who have been bitten by a snake or a dog will first have to demonstrate they have taken care of the needs of the snake or dog and cared for any side effects the animal may have experienced after having bitten the patient. After this is certified by a veterinarian, the sheriff and the police department they will be admitted to surgery.
Well baby care will be modified. Well baby care will be reimbursed 10 years following the birth of the child unless of course the child is unhealthy in which case the charge for the premium will be increased for five generations for the family, including all second cousins.
Heavy aspartame users will be given free insurance as they are expected to die quickly.