Written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw
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Saturday, 7 October 2017

image for Shooter's Motives Remain a Mystery
Tomato Target

Five days into their investigation, the FBI remains baffled as to what motivated shooter Stephen Paddock to gun down over five hundred tasteless, tone deaf country hicks at a Las Vegas concert.

"We found an impressive selection of jazz and classical music CD's in Paddock's room", said FBI psychologist Floyd Sigmund, "as well as some kick-ass heavy metal videos on his computer. This suggests that Mr. Paddock simply hated country music, which, in and of itself, hardly seems crazy to me at all."

"However," continued Dr. Sigmund, "there remain questions regarding the shooter's ability to gauge the appropriate level of response to that god-awful racket. A less deranged individual would probably just pay a scalper for a front row center seat, and proceed to pelt the musicians on stage with eggs or tomatoes. What possessed our subject to take out his hostilities on the audience? They were just ordinary unsophisticated plebes out to enjoy an evening concert. It's not like they were telemarketers or anything like that!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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