Written by Dante Liberatore
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Friday, 6 October 2017

image for Melania Trump Announces Her 'First Lady Cause'

First Ladies in America have always had a 'national cause': Laura Bush launched "Ready to Read, Ready to Learn" to prime children for the world of literature, Nancy Reagan promoted "Just Say No" to keep young people off drugs and Michelle Obama established "Let's Move" to fight our nation's child obesity epidemic.

And earlier today, Melania Trump (right) kicked-off her own 'First Lady Cause', called "Steady Hands", a federally funded program designated to help young girls correctly apply lipstick, false eyelashes and rouge.

"The proper application of makeup for young girls in America is so very, very important," Mrs. Trump said while overseeing the installation of 200 lighted vanity mirrors throughout the White House. "And if they have steady hands when making themselves pretty, they will not be between a boulder and a Hard Rock Cafe, making them as happy as a mussel, and no longer stuck in a 'catch 27', allowing them to score cupcake points with the boy they have a crush on."

And young girls throughout America are doing just that, cosmetically astute 14 year-olds like Stacey Lieberman and Amber Myers of Modesto, CA.

"I'm so happy that we finally have a First Lady who understands that putting makeup on the right way is like the most important thing in the world," Stacy exclaimed. "Even thought my stupid father thinks all the beautiful makeup I wear makes me look like a tramp." 

"And like, OMG!," Amber added. "Melania Trump's 'Steady Hands' campaign proves that girls like me need to spend more with makeup and less time with geometry." 

Abigail Peterson, an 11 year-old from Trenton, New Jersey echoed the praise.

"Melania's 'Steady Hands' campaign makes my life like soooo much easier", she claimed while effectively applying lipstick during a 'makeup party' with her friends. "And our First Lady talking about applying makeup right finally proves the only thing I should ever worry about is looking pretty for a boy." 

"This is an outrage!" cried famed defense attorney Gloria Allred while filing the paperwork needed to legally force Melania Trump to prove she has a brain. "..because Melania Trump's "Steady Hands" campaign is sending a careless message to our little girls, and we're already feeling the repercussions of such a dangerous First Lady cause."

Mrs. Allred was referring to a lawsuit she filed on behalf of Carol Ann Griswald, a mother from Akron, Ohio who says her 10 year-old daughter, Jennifer, has been maniacally applying makeup ever since Mrs. Trump announced her "Steady Hands' cause.

"I can't rip her away from the makeup mirror," Mrs. Griswald sobbed at a press conference. "She's like a beast and I have no control!" 

"And Mrs. Trump is directly responsible for little Jennifer's chronic makeup addiction," Miss Allred concluded. "And we plan to prove it in a court of law."

The First Lady was quick to respond to Miss Allred's allegations.

"In the United States the great there are plenty of people with a pair of pliers to grind," she said while having half a mind to go read a book. "But in the final, Gloria Allred will realize that there is no such thing in America as a free continental breakfast."  

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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