President Trump claimed he abruptly fired FBI Director James Comey because "he wasn't doing a good job". But according to numerous sources, Mr. Comey was let go because he was on the verge of leaking a report that unequivocally proved that Donald Trump's hair is not his own.
The highly-classified dossier is known as the 'Paruke Papers', and Mr. Comey's report reads as follows:
"The FBI has completed its report on determining if the hair on President Donald Trump's head is natural, or the result of surgical hair transplantation, Lasercomb or prescription Rogaine.
And what we have learned is the President's orange neon coiffure is none of the above, but rather a toupee personally designed, weaved and polished by the highly acclaimed Ricardo of Beverly Hills - one of the best rug makers in the world.
Furthermore, Mr. Trump's cue ball cover was inspired by the Stiff-Tailed Duck, a species of waterfowl found in the lakes of the Adirondack region in New York State. But on a sadder note, Quackie, a spokesduck for the aforementioned capons, claimed he, nor any other geese in his flock, gave the President, or any of his representatives, official permission to use their likeness for the adornment of Mr. Trump's head.
Another troubling revelation surfaced when we learned the Presidential quaff was made from the hair on the humps of Iranian camels - a clear violation of the U.S. sanctions imposed on the Iranian Government in 1979.
Additionally, Mr. Trump's artificial bouffant is a 'snap on', worn only when cameras are present, and when the Commander-in-Chief is sans his executive periwig, White House staff members often 'check their look' via the President's highly buffed chrome dome.
Consequently, when Mr. Trump's detachable coiffure is regularly dipped into a vat of Orangina and left to dry in various locations throughout the White House, it is often mistaken for an Arian muskrat, a 'Tribble' from "Star Trek" or a Miniature Chihuahua in desperate need of a grooming.
In closing, the FBI has completed its investigation into 'Hairgate', and will be relegating any prosecutive decisions to The International Hair Club For Men. Thank you."
When reached for comment, the White House strongly denounced 'The Paruke Papers'.
"We adamantly disagree with Mr. Comey's flawed report," Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said while sending a phone call from Quackie directly to voice mail. "And that's all we have to say about a news story that has the shelf-life of an Ann Coulter book."