Written by JennyNorthStar
Rating:
Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 24 September 2017

image for Scientists Link Hillary Clinton to Global Warming, Low Sperm Counts, and Gay Frogs

ONLY IN AMERICA - Hillary Clinton again last week was dominating the main stream media spotlight with her "What Happened" book tour. Or, as some have dubbed it: "Hillary's Pity Party - I'm Unapologetic and still Relevant Tour". Book publisher Simon & Schuster claimed more than 300,000 copies have already been sold. Hillary has appeared on just about every broadcast show imaginable, recounting her sad story and even managing to come up with hundreds of new excuses why she lost along the way.

Yes, Hillary still remains the darling of main stream media. Probably because they hate Trump so much. On the other hand, scientists, biologists, and anthropologists have published their own findings and conclusions regarding the global impact of Hillary's return - while predicting dire world-wide consequences.

You Hillary Clinton lovers and Trump haters out there, don't blame me for these stories. I'm just a dedicated journalist.

Hillary Linked to Global Warming
A recent United Nations' Food and Agricultural Organization report claimed that the livestock sector, most of which are cows, generates more greenhouse gas emissions as measured in CO2 equivalent than the transport sector (you know, those big meanies in the Oil and Gas industry). A whopping 18 percent more! The average cow produces enough methane per year to generate greenhouse damage greater than four tons of carbon dioxide. In other words, cow farts and burps are a lot and more dangerous to the environment than the automobile. Of course, this all leads to Global Warming.

Just last week, Scientists at NASA and the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration noticed a sudden jump in their global warming readings - previously steady for centuries. The Earth had warmed by over two degrees virtually over night. Much more than the change that the celebrated Paris Climate Accord was trying to limit. After painstaking analysis and data correlation, scientists pin-pointed the Global Warming impact to exactly track Hillary's book return tour. They named it the "Hillary Effect". Scientists surmise that all the bullshit Hillary is shoveling out in double doses, is doing far more damage to the environment than the approximately 1.3 to 1.5 billion cows grazing, sleeping, and chewing their cud at any given time on planet Earth.

White House science advisor, Sam Clovis, said: "The president has been made aware of the "Hillary Effect", its impact on Global Warming, and the immediate threat to the future of the planet. A White House insider said President Trump is now more than willing to return the Paris Climate Accord discussion table as long a new agreement can be reached which limits the "Hillary Effect".

Hillary Linked to Low Sperm Counts
A new report, just published, say researchers assessing the results of nearly 200 studies, concluded sperm counts among men from North America, Europe, Australia, and New Zealand, seem to have halved in less than 40 years. Dr Levine, an epidemiologist, said Humans could become extinct if sperm counts in men continue to fall at current rates.

One anthropologist, who has been studying the alarming problem for years, proclaimed: "Sperm counts in the U.S. almost halved again during the last presidential primaries." Many researchers have speculated that the fear of a woman U.S. president had adversely affected sperm production in American men. Extensive studies in Germany and the UK where sperm counts are low and where women are their nation's leaders, seem to provide additional credence to this conclusion.

Several U.S. sperm banks, located in cities where Hillary has visited, reported semen samples completely devoid of any little swimmers at all. Some say just hearing a Hillary Clinton speech or seeing her big behind on television will stop sperm production all together. One distinguished anthropologist warned, that as long as Hillary remains in the news and without the help of illegal immigration, the U.S. population may be heading towards zero.

Hillary Linked to Gay Frogs
A surprising study has found that frogs in suburban lakes tend to be mostly female, and suggests that urbanization are likely turning male frogs female or gay. In a study published September 7 in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers sampled hundreds of young frogs from 21 ponds in Connecticut, which were all surprising geographically close to where Hillary Clinton had given speeches. The scientists, found a large percentage of female characteristics in male frogs in these same bodies of water. In all the ponds examined the team turned up males whose testicles also contain eggs.

One researcher speculated that frogs overheard Hillary Clinton speeches, where she went berserk and sounded like a croaking frog. Male frogs interpreted this as a matting call and all congregated in the same pond seeking a mate. Since only males answered the call, they were forced to mate with each other. The scientist also offered further evidence that Hillary was aware of her effect on frogs, when after a five minute coughing binge, spitting up a green slime into a drinking glass, said:" Sorry, I had a frog in my throat."

Make JennyNorthStar's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 plus 5?

5 13 17 6
55 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more