Written by Tony S.
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Topics: Donald Trump

Saturday, 9 September 2017

image for Houston We Have a Problem. Trump is Here!
Trump Blows Harder Than Hurricane Harvey

Last night President Donald Trump made a surprise visit to one of the shelters in the Houston area - the George Bush Convention Center, that is currently home to almost 2,500 people. Trump was unusually happy and seemed to miss the point of what these evacuees were going through. At one point he asked a family "could you imagine having a better night than this? Free food, free housing and a selfie with the President. Doesn't get much better for you losers."

Trump arrived at the George Bush Convention Center around 4:00 PM. When asked why he came so late, he mentioned that he had trouble picking out a hat.

"It was between my red "Make America Great Again" hat or a sombrero", he quipped. He then mentioned that he chose the MAGA hat because he was fearful of the Mexicans at the shelter of stealing it and using it as a raft to go get taco bowls.

Trump quickly took to the stage upon arriving and the excitement poured from his face as for the first time he was speaking to a full house. His first words were "Wow, look at this crowd. Can you believe it? I bet Obama didn't have this many people at Hurricane Sandy."

He then went on to say, "I wish the hurricane would have hit a couple apartment complexes and this party would be standing room only."

Although his statement seemed a little crass, many of the evacuees were eating it up and at one point started chanting "Lock her up, lock her up, lock her up."

Another confusing statement from the president during his speech was "I have talked to a lot of families here tonight and they have all said the same thing. There is no place I would rather be right now than homeless living out of a convention center. Many of you are losers, but tonight you are winners because you are in the presence of greatness."

One evacuee was quick to point out that Trump had been there for less than two minutes and was perplexed at how he talked to all of these families. He quickly responded yelling "get this guy out of here. If any of you want to punch him I will pay your court costs. I am not condoning violence but please kick the shit out of him as security takes him out. Once again, I am not saying you should hit him, but make sure you hit him and hit him hard." Secret Service ignored the request at which point Trump went on a firing spree and was left with no protection."

President Trump continued to speak to the people at the Convention center and seemed very disconnected with why these people were here. Multiple times he thanked the crowd for coming out to support him. "When was the last time No Birth Certificate Obama or Crooked Hilary had supporters come out to a rally during a hurricane?" In between thanking the crowd and the constant speak about the fun that was being had, he did give more insight into his plans for building the wall. Trump indicated that he would build a wall so grand that not only would it keep the Mexicans out, but no hurricanes would get over the wall. He then said that he was going to have Hurricane Harvey pay for the wall. These statements were quickly meant with more chants from the crowd, this time screaming "build that wall, build that wall, build that wall."

As Trump finished up his speech, he did get a bit nostalgic with the "record" crowd. "Remember when I won the presidency", he exclaimed? He went on to say if Hurricane Harvey would have hit last October he would have won by three million votes citing that the hurricane has "washed away" all the illegals that voted for Hillary. He did go on to say that without cheap labor from the illegal Mexicans all of his businesses would go under. He quickly went on to correct himself and say Don Jr. and Eric's business, but then winked at the crowd. After 30 minutes
of speaking, he closed the speech with "I can't thank you enough for coming out here tonight to support me. It only took me seven months to spawn the grandest hurricane ever. Obama was in office for over three years before Hurricane Sandy and it was small potatoes compared to the devastation that Hurricane Harvey caused. Me and my hot illegal immigrant wife will be passing out food for the next hour or so depending on how long I can put up with all of the poor people. We also have food for Hillary supporters. It is a fried chicken meal that comes with two small breasts and two yuge thighs and comes with a side of 232 losing electoral votes."

True to his word, 15 minutes later Trump began passing out food to the evacuees. As he handed out the food he expressed his gratitude for coming out and then said "this meal will probably be the best thing you have eaten in years. You are such losers that a box lunch made with ham and cheese sandwiches is considered a step up for you." Trump then seemed to empathize with the crowd stating that he once had to eat at a restaurant with only two Michelin stars. He followed up his "empathetic" statement by asking the evacuees where they were when Trump won the election. "First it was Florida, then Pennsylvania, then Michigan and Wisconsin", he said. "Those idiot polls and fake news CNN said that I couldn't win but we showed them. At one point, Melania turned to me and said I hate my life and with my luck, you will win and then I will have to pretend to love you."

While passing out food he turned to a black family and said: "let me guess you want the Hillary meal, for two reasons." He then went onto say "I love black people. If it wasn't for the blacks there would be a lot less white supremacists and then I would lose more than half of my supporters." In disgust, the family quickly grabbed their stuff and mentioned that they would rather sleep outside than have to listen to the orange creamsicle with a reverse afro that we have to call president.

Another family was given food by the president and Trump was quick to point out how attractive their 14-year-old daughter was. He went on to say that "you are very beautiful. Did you know if the president sleeps with a 14-year-old it is not against the law because he can pardon himself." He continued on saying "wow I can't get over how sexy you are. You have the body of a 16-year-old. I remember when Ivanka was 14. Every day when I would get home I would tell Ivanka to come to daddy and look for loose money in my pockets. Although we both knew I had cut the pockets out and never wore underwear. Either way after years of doing that I am sure she is making that Jew Jared very happy. She knows how to spin a dreidel if you know what I mean."

Before leaving the convention center, there was a very awkward moment. Not realizing that his microphone somehow turned back on, he was caught speaking to one of his cabinet members in the bathroom. Thinking the two were alone and no one could hear him, he stood at the urinal and said "you know what the great thing about having small hands is, my penis looks a lot bigger when I am holding it. Actually, the same goes for holding anyone's dick." He then went on to say "you know what the best part of being president is? You can literally go up to any woman and ask them if they like anal and the response is always yes. Just last week I said it to the Kardashians mom and she said yes. I won't tell you everything that happened, but I can assure you she is a woman of her word. Say what you want about the Kardashians, but that mother Caitlyn loves anal. She loves it so much she refused every other position.

After relieving himself, Trump was heard at the sink saying "how do you wash poor people off your hands. Is being a loser contagious? I will use extra soap and bleach just in case." He then went on to say "did you even know I had Tiffany killed? Tell me, when was the last time you saw her. As difficult as it is to kill your own daughter she took it surprisingly well. She said she would rather die than carry the Trump name for another minute."

Upon exiting the bathroom, he was meant with a chorus of boos that echoed through the convention center. Quickly realizing his mistake, he ducked out the side door and quickly made a run for his motorcade. Before he could get into a Cadillac Escalade, one reporter asked him "if he thought the open microphone will cost him supporters." With an almost incredulous look on his face, he snapped back "did you see how happy that crowd was today? I don't think one person will be upset they came out tonight. I bet they are happy to lose everything they own for the opportunity to come see me and take a selfie." He then slammed his door shut and the motorcade made its way down Avenida De Las Americas on his way back to the airport.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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