Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Monday, 28 August 2017

image for Mary Magdalene Tell-all: "Jesus Was a Lousy Lay, But a Pretty Good Talker."
"Jesus was a lousy lay, but a pretty good talker."

HEAVEN--Random Event Publishing, Inc., the main publishing house for Heaven, released last week, amid much controversy, the long-awaited tell-all by Jesus's follower and consort Mary Magdalene. In the tell-all Mary talks, to some extent, about her and Jesus's relationship, writing at one point, "Well, Jesus and I would sleep together occasionally but it wasn't anything to write home about. In fact, he was kind of a lousy lay when I knew him. All he knew was the missionary position, a position, you'd think, that Moses had decreed from Mt. Sinai, the way he stuck to it."

When asked by Joy Behar on The View if Mary was ever able to spice up their sex life, she replied, "Hmmmmmm. I once tried to get him to go down on me, but he looked kind of confused and asked me instead to sit on the side of the bed, whereupon he began to wash and anoint my feet. That's about as exciting as it got with the Son of Man."

Whoopi Goldberg then followed up, asking what made Jesus such a good talker. Mary explained, "For one, he's a good listener, except when he goes off of one of his parable binges. Then you can't get him to shut up, and he never explains what they are all about. But he did, while we were together, regale me with some really interesting stories from the Old Testament about heroic battles, hot sex, and incest. In fact, while we were dating, I went back and read selected parts of the Old Testament. There's some really hot stuff in there!"

When Behar asked Mary whether she knew who Jesus was dating now in Heaven, she replied, "I hear, since Mother Angelica of Eternal World Television Network passed last year, he's been seeing her. Friends of Jesus say he's looking for a more mature relationship now, though at 92, Mother Angelica is still quite the MILF."

Showtime, according to Variety, is looking into optioning the rights to Magdalene's tell-all for an adaptation of the book, with Charlize Theron expected to play the role of Mary Magdalene and Idris Elba expected to play Jesus.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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