Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Thursday, 17 August 2017

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Hypothetical: President Trump calls for the processing and imprisoning of 3 million illegal immigrants in internment camps in the United States. How will his fellow Republicans respond?

Paul Ryan: "I idea of imprisoning 3 million immigrants--legal or illegal--is a moral abomination! But I stand by my President."

Mitch McConnell: "We cannot countenance such behavior perpetrated in the name of the government, any government, of whatever party! But we must stand by our President, even if he thinks I am a worthless twit."

Little Marco Rubio: "As someone of Hispanic descent, the idea of putting 3 million illegal immigrants into internment camps is unfathomable, a moral outrage! But we must stand by our President because he is, after all, our president."

Elaine Chao: "My ancestors were persecuted in this country well into the early twentieth century, and I will not live to see this kind of persecution perpetrated again, on anyone of any ethnic origin. But I stand by my man--both of them."

Lindsey Graham: "Mr. President, I encourage you to try to bring us together as a nation after this horrific event in Charlottesville. Your words are dividing Americans, not healing them. . . . Through his statements yesterday, President Trump took a step backward by again suggesting there is moral equivalency between the white supremacist neo-Nazis and KKK members who attended the Charlottesville rally and people like Heather Heyer. I, along with many others, do not endorse this moral equivalency. However, since most of the South Carolinians who re-elected me still support the President, I guess I do, too. What the hell. What do I have to lose?"

General John Kelly (shaking his head and looking down at his feet): "What the fuck have I gotten myself into?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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