Written by T. Loaf
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Monday, 7 August 2017

Having revealed an impressively broad range of despicable manners and decorum in his initial months as President when mingling and meeting other heads of state, Donald Trump has now taken 3 llamas into his garden areas, the aim being how to learn to spit discreetly....or even indiscreetly.

"Trump hasn't actually spat at anyone yet", stated a White House official, "but he's definitely willing". Other animals were also being kept in the hope of enhancing Trump's anti-social behavior. Journalists claim he could be seen sparring with a 2-meter kangaroo in the Oval Office. Quite who he intends to punch was not specified. His shove on Montenegro's Prime Minister, Dusko Markovic, at the recent NATO summit was the result of weeks spent among Emperor penguins in the Antarctica before his attempt to win the Republican ticket. "The penguins really helped Donald. They shove deliberately like no others, they don't have arms, Donald applied his shoulders beautifully against the Montenegrin Prime Minister. Brilliant stiff."

His prowling around Hillary Clinton during the TV debates was reminiscent of female lions eyeing up juicy zebras. He actually studied them on TV. Very, very good indeed. His imitation of the wild really is quite unique."

"His handshakes, being old, are somewhat whimpish, as Macron and May showed, so he briefly considered picking up and biting Putin, like the Grizzlies do with salmon, but lost his footing moving in. We'll have to practice that one again," said a White House tamer.

Staff confirmed Trump wears a silverback gorilla pyjama suit and attempts to romp through the corridors at night, though being a geriatric takes the lift upstairs and downstairs: truly the Republican primate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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