YAZOO CITY FCC FEDERAL PRISON - In the sweltering heat of Mississippi, feeling a lot more like lying in Deep South boiling mud rather than its stagnant and fiery air, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Donald Trump sat inside the cafeteria of a federal prison.
The surroundings spartan, the overall ambiance of the eating area grim and bleak, Maddow looked at who was once the 45th President of the United States and said, "Well, what do you have to say for yourself? You are scheduled to be executed by a 15-person firing squad in five days for treason."
"Jeff Sessions is going to get me out of this mess. He's from Alabama, the next state over. I tell ya, Jeff's got connections down here. Glad to have him. Good man. Superior quality guy. So I'm not too worried about it. Do you want to know why? It's all fake news. You, that guy who spouts off his mouth before you do on your fake news channel and the guy who runs me into the ground night after night after you do, well, you three put me in here. I really hate that guy. O'Connelly. Wish he'd go on a long motorcycle ride and never come back. You're to blame. You three. There were no Russians. None at all. There isn't even a place called Russia. It doesn't exist. It's all fake news."
"Mr. Ex-President, you and your family colluded with the Russians to enhance the wealth and power of you and your family. Did you really think you and your kids could set up something like the Ming Dynasty right here in America?"
"It was certainly worth a try. I don't know, America's had a lot of Presidents but never a king. I wanted to be the first king. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, I really don't..."
"Mr. Ex-President, what do you have to say about that deal you made with Vladimir Putin to sell the entirety of the American nuclear missile collection to the Russians and to Kim Jong-un for $43.6 trillion?" Maddow questioned.
"Hey, I told my base I was a deal maker. If that one went through, by the way, it would have been the biggest deal I would have ever made for myself. In total dollar amount, anyhow."
"Well, it was that deal, in particular, for that exorbitant sum and leaving your own people totally defenseless against the threat of nuclear war, that will put you in front of a firing squad in five days. Otherwise, you'd only have a lengthy prison sentence for all the other nefarious things you've done while you were seeking, and while you were in, office."
Maddow cleared her throat, finagled around with the pen in her right hand, smashed her right fist down on the stainless steel table where she and Trump sat across from each other, and looked outraged. It was the patriot in her that caused her to do all these things...
"Mr. Ex-President, it's already been established, and you were only impeached a little more than three weeks ago, that you will go down in history as the worst, most inept, the absolute craziest, and undoubtedly the most corrupt President in United States history. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Michelle, do you have a cigarette?"
"No. I don't smoke, Mr. Ex-President. I didn't think you did, either."
"Well, I started. I only inhale a little bit, though. And it makes me look tough when I'm walking around the prison yard. Respect. It all comes down to respect. The guys here have to respect you or you're mincemeat. Besides, why not? I'm going to be put in front of the firing squad in a few days. It'd be great if I got lung cancer right now."
"Mr. Ex-President, do you have anything to say for yourself for downgrading the United States of America from the world's top super power to one of its most fragmented and unstable Third World countries? Look at all the harm you've done in your 267-day Presidency. You lasted almost 100 days less than a year."
"Fake news. You, that guy who reads from his little teleprompter the hour before you do, and the guy who does the same thing the hour after you go on your fake news channel put me here. I had the best people ever. Got more done than the previous 16 Presidents all together. I'll make America grate again after I'm executed. Wait and see."
"Mr. Ex-President, it's been said by psychiatrists and psychologists that you're truly insane. Clinically so. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Great guy. The absolute best. King of all the kings. I will go down in history as the greatest President - even better than Abraham Lincoln and much better than Richard House Mouse Nixon and Walter Cronkite."
There was a lull in the interview after Trump made this statement. So, he looked at Ms. Maddow and asked, "Why are you here? Why you, why not Sean Hannity or Alex Jones?"
"They had no say in the matter, Mr. Ex-President. It's all about that fake news thing. The people who run the news, the really large-and-in-charge bigwigs, well, they either wanted me or Anderson Cooper to interview you. The urgency and the serious nature of this situation calls for an actual reporter, not a propagandist, to be the first to interview you after your impeachment and your sentencing for treason."
"Well, why you, Michelle?"
"Listen, Mr. Ex-President, it's Rachel, not Michelle. You keep repeating Michelle and I thought it was just you being a wise guy but now I realize it's just you being your natural misinformed self. And it's O'Donnell, Lawrence's name is...Oh, never mind...Well, in reference to your question - we flipped a coin for this honor."
Another long lull. A prison guard taps Maddow on the shoulder and tells her that her five minutes are up.
"Anderson picked heads," Maddow said.
"So you won the coin toss?"
"No, I picked tails. I lost."