Seamen of the USS Wyoming, a US Navy fast attack submarine stationed off the coast of Central American, had a rough jolt this morning after a gigantic sperm whale, in a gross case of mistaken identity, tried to mount the submarine and one of it's torpedo chutes. The huge phallus of the gigantic beast, after an all hands alert unlocked warheads from their chambers, apparently entered and clogged the torpedo chute of the submarine making it a potential danger to the crew.
Sailors said that they could not shoot the whale off the submarine because of strict laws forbidding the killing of whales, that, and the fact that the whale's phallus could have potentially jammed the torpedo and caused it to go back into the submarine.
"This series of events could have been grossly complicated if the whale had shot back," said Chief Petty Officer, Peter O'Toole.
Eye witnesses say that the whale became attracted to the submarine after it was spotted doing maneuvers off the coast of Central America. The whale, estimated at over 110 feet, mounted the 550 foot Seawolf class submarine on it's dorsal side after being exposed during one of it's dives.
Coordinates of where the affair took place were recorded by seamen at 135 degrees, 16 minutes and 22 seconds longitude and 94 degrees, 49 minutes and 46 seconds latitude at a depth of about 1,000 feet.
Crew members used to cutting through the waters at speeds of 32 knots were taken back when the submarine slowed to only 5 knots and were afraid that the extra weight would cause engine failure. Scientists say that a whale of that size can weigh over 188 tons.
Local beach goers on San Pedro Island were shocked when they looked out on the water to see the whale attached to the submarine as it, in a series of dives and surfaces, tried to shake the mammal loose.
"We thought that it may have been a school of dolphins frolicking in the water," says Juan Perez who was sunning with his family on San Pedro Island. "Or maybe this Tequila was too strong."
The captain of the submarine said that in all of his years as a sailor nothing like this has ever happened.
"We've left men in port with local hookers wearing fish-net hose and submarines frequently get tangled in fishermen's nets," he said. "But nothing like this."
The Navy said that the USS Wyoming is one of 28 combat-ready submarines stationed in the Pacific Ocean and was on its way from Hawaii to Patagonia on a tour of the South Pacific.
Former Deputy Director of the Office of Naval Reactors, Earl Spit, said that the Seawolf class of submarine isn't meant for this type of activity in the ocean. Mating with whales is strictly prohibited and against Naval code.
"This was the equivalent of a police officer being caught with a prostitute," he said.
But members of Greenpeace were disturbed at Schmitt's comments and the comparison he made of whales and prostitutes and say that whales have been around a lot longer than humans and that he should be more respectful of them.
After long deliberation in the admiral's quarters, in an effort to free the submarine from the gentle giant, Navy divers were dispatched to "massage" the whale into a climactic state.
Swimming away uninjured and with their pride a little dampened, all divers were reported to have survived the two-hour ordeal. Several sailors inside of the submarine were reported to have bumped their heads after climax, but none were seriously injured. The whale was reported to have swam away with a smile on its face.
The idea was reported to have come from a captain who inadvertently witnessed a sailor in the bathroom with a magazine and a picture of you know who while he was taking a break from deliberation.
Navy divers present for the ordeal received a thorough debriefing and will get free counseling, time off to be with spouses and pay for hazardous duty.
"We don't want to leave any permanent scars with our guys," said former Admiral, Hyman Rollover. "It's tough enough having to put on those skin-tight wet suits in front of the men."
President Bush could not be reached for comment, but Former President Clinton was reported as saying, "See, I told you so."
Reporters from The Spoof wash their hands of responsibility from all of this.