Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Thursday, 13 July 2017

image for Mitch McConnell Wants Healthcare Passed Before Winter Hibernation
Even if they are warriors, most box turtles still need to hibernate in winter for an optimal immune system.

Box Turtles in Kentucky stop eating and start getting sluggish sometime in the month of October, and that's why Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell desperately needs to pass an alternative to Obamacare by September.

Mitch "The Bitch" McConnell knows that GOP members in both the House and Senate are feeling pressure to continue trying to ram a repeal and replacement bill through and to the president's desk. If they have to go back into session before spring, McConnell will not be there for his crucial leadership role nor can he vote in the Senate where Republicans only have a two vote margin to pass their proposed TreasonCare bill.

President Trump and other GOP stalwarts actually used global warming as an argument as to why the Senate Majority leader doesn't need to hibernate in winter anymore.

At 3am the president blasted out a series of tweets that read:

"Not that it's human caused, but they say because the winters are warmer that box turtles don't hibernate that much anymore. And besides Mitch is part Galapagos turtle and I hear they don't hibernate at all. So he CAN and should work through a winter session if they can't get a bill on my desk by September."

Tatum Rowlen is one of the top terrapinologists (turtle scientists) in the world and she spoke to this reporter by phone about the claims that McConnell can work through the winter.

"There are some partial truths to what people are saying about turtles and global warming: Yes many box turtles in the US are experiencing shorter winter hibernation periods, but that compromises their immune systems if they miss too many deep winter sleeps. Less advantaged turtles in Kentucky can't afford to migrate north to colder climates in the winter like Mitch McConnell and other turtles do, and McConnell has been going further north into Canada for the winters. True he is half Galapagos turtle, but his immune system is more like a box turtle's and that's why he needs that winter reset, especially at the advanced age of 197."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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