Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Saturday, 8 July 2017

image for Santa Fez Cops Hospitalized After Eating Chainsaw Repair Sushi
Is Dirk Danger's green chile sushi deadly?

Dozens of Santa Fez police officers were sickened after eating suspect sushi provided by a caterer that normally provides chainsaw sharpening and repairs in this small New Mexico town.

Police Dis-information Officer, Reggie Gruet, said the business is now facing charges of public endangerment and catering without a license.

"One of our men, officer Rooney, he hired some strippers and then the chainsaw company to cater a going away party for one of our detectives. Officer Rooney should know better than to hire some chainsaw repair guy to cater a party, he should have at least seen if he had a license to cater. Bottom line is he should have hired someone who is serious about sushi."

This reporter had a sit down talk with Dirk Danger, owner of Dirk's Chainsaw Repair, and right away he expressed remorse over the incident.

"I feel terrible because so many people got sick and were hospitalized [in fact it was seventeen], but now the police are trying to say I was running an illegal catering company from my chainsaw repair shop, it's just ridiculous because Mick, uh, Officer Rooney begged me to make my green chili California rolls for some of his parties and family gatherings."

"It started when my sister was dating him during his divorce and she gave him some of my homemade sushi. He pestered me to make some for him and said he would make it worth my while --and he did, he even got a speeding ticket dropped for me, so I ended up making my sushi for him about a dozen times over the years. I did the job as a private citizen as a favor to my sister's boyfriend, no way was I trying to start or run a catering business from my workshop."

However Danger did make the thickest* sushi ever recorded according to the folks at Guiness, and it was made in his workshop. In his video posted to Youtube you can see him slice up a nine foot thick and forty foot long piece of sushi with a chain saw specially modified to use a vegetable based chain oil.

When asked how his green chili California rolls could have made so many people sick, Danger reflected for a moment before answering.

"It was such a hot day and I dropped off a couple of chainsaws on the way to the police station--I guess the sushi went bad in the truck just that quick."


*Danger's record is for the thickest sushi, conceptual artist Pajé Fukoami set the record for the longest sushi with her 10 Km long Earth Day vegetable roll. Once Fukoami's sushi was completed it was cut up and distributed to the residents of nearby villages in Mali.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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