Republicans scared of being shot at have engaged white supremacists paramilitary groups to protect them and launch a black ops to kidnap Trumps NotSoSmartPhone™.
After recent baseball shenanigans Republicans have reviewed their security arrangements and determined the biggest risk is the tweet spasms coming from the White House.
When looking for the right man to lead the security team they said they were very impressed with the white supremacists who stabbed 3 people on a train in Portland. They like his pro-active approach to law and order and will petition the president to pardon him so they can employ him as the head of security for RNC. His main missions will be to launch a raid on the White House and liberate the presidents NotSoSmartPhone™. Further they will leave a fake replacement so Trump can tweet all the fake news he wants but nobody will know.
Other changes to security include friendly storm troopers who will help disorientated liberal protestors by beating them with rifle butts and dragging them across the floors of the senate. They will also deploy a raft of lawyers to assist people by telling them they have no rights because being a protestor makes them a criminal and this suspends their constitutional rights, which justifies the use of excessive force.
Also unpatriotic banners and signs will not be permitted as this is against the constitution. When the ACLU challenged this their offices were raided by the paramilitary squad and most staff were beaten and run out of town. However they regrouped in the deep south and have now launched a law suit against the NotSoSmartPhone™ using the inciting riots and civil strife statute. However Republican lawyers were quick to point out that this law had been struck down as part of healthcare reform.
Bannon is said to be pleased he is finally getting some traction with his agenda and warned liberals this was only the start of eradicating their unpatriotic behaviors. Trump will soon sign an executive order making it illegal to vote democrat and will now be tracking every vote made through his russian interception capability.
When the commentators remarked that this was against the constitution police arrested the journalist on suspicion of being sane and not sucking up to the authorities. Apparently non-sucker-upperers will now be deported under the immigration visa ban using a special unpublicised clause to strip non-conforming people of their citizenship. The press was however assured that everything was OK and that only critics of the president would be deported, so it is in everyones best interests to write nice things about us. They cited the recent cabinet meeting as a good example of the degree of suck up that was now mandatory.