Written by Paul Blake
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Thursday, 29 June 2017

image for Move over FitBit - Introducing tbe ShitFitBit, for Toddlers.
Tommy's ShitFitBit chart pointed to, you guessed it...serial killer.

San Jose, CA - Riding the wave of the rise in popularity of fitness trackers, one popular fitness-tracking company is set to release its latest product, ShitFitBit, which is designed to keep track of all your crazy toddler's shit-fits.

"Many frantic parents are worried these days if their toddler is throwing way too many shit-fits," says Margo Flemhawker, who manages the new product. "So we built the ShitFitBit out of the concern we were hearing from parents in our own neighborhoods. Concerns like; 'is this normal?' 'Should my spoiled brat screen-addicted child really be behaving this badly, or am I raising a serial killer?' These are the concerns that we hope to answer with ShitFitBit!, explains Flemhawker."

So every time your child throws a shit-fit, the wristband will keep track of the size and length of the shit-fit, then record the information, where you can download it onto your computer and graph it. "This will then show the parents, 'Hey, my kid's totally normal!' Or, 'Hey, honey, looks like we do have a little psychopath on our hands!' Parents can then use it on themselves to see where they fit it."

...and oh yes, in case you were wondering, the ShitFitBit does come with an unchewable leather strap. "Yeah, we tested it on quite a few crazy little shits," explained Flemhawker. "Some of 'em have pretty sharp little teeth! I've got plenty of scars."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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