AT A PARKING GARAGE SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON--In a meeting between David Corn of Mother Jones and a shadowy figure who only identifies herself as "Deep Esophagus," the source of the many leaks that have plagued the Trump Administration are coming to light. Said Deep Esophagus of the leaks, "Well, they are mostly a result of the many staff members in the White House and the intelligence community who fear that the fate of our nation is now in the hands of an impulsive, vindictive, masturbatory fourteen year old. Also, the leaks often arise from the Tweeter-in-Chief himself, who is so fucking stupid that he leaks on an almost daily basis and doesn't even realize he's doing it."
When asked by Corn whether these leaks are a result of the Deep State Conspiracy propagated by Steve Bannon, Sean Hannity, and other loons from the Alt-right, Deep Esophagus (or DE, as Corn now calls her), explained, "No, there is no Deep State Conspiracy in the Trump Administration or anywhere else in the government. The only conspiracy in the Trump Administration, an unintended one, is the stupidity and disorganization of its communications team. In fact, the members of that 'team' are reportedly joking among themselves, at this point, that there is an "I" in team, and it stands for 'incompetence.' However, in defense of Trump's communications apparatus, how do you keep up with a man whose daily tweets at 6:00 a.m. contradict what he or his staffers said the day before?"
When asked by Corn if there were any other leaks from the Trump Administration, she said, "The only other leak I know of came from a Russian prostitute a few years ago. But that leak hasn't been confirmed yet, and, in any case, it likely dried up a long time ago."
Finally Corn asked DE if she knows of any secret tape recordings in the White House. DE only laughed and said, "Just ask the President. I'm sure he'll give you a straight answer."