Written by Gee Pee
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Topics: Naked, nudity

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

image for No Nudes Is Bad News!
The closest thing you're likely to see to nudity these days

Like nudism itself, nudist colony memberships are in decline around the world. "Not many people want to parade around in front of strangers--or behind them, for that matter," Grumpy Baer whined.

Reporters who get laid, uh, paid for publicizing nudes in the name of news are having difficulty finding topics related to human nakedness. "Material is about as skimpy as a birthday suit," reporter Ima Awl-Natrull complained. "When it comes to topics about nudity, Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare."

A review of recent headlines suggests just how bare. One website featured an 82-year-old article, "How I got an eyeful at Oregon's first nudist colony," that only a millennial's great-great grandparents might be interested in reading, for nostalgia's sake.

Another news source bitched about how San Francisco denied a permit for a Summer of Free Love concert for the second time in as many years, because nudists, of all people, were likely to attend.

An online newspaper reported the disillusionment of an actress who got naked at a nudist colony recently. She called the experience "the WORST ten minutes of my entire life."

A tabloid warned readers who could be would-be nudists of 15 things they should never do "in the buff." (Tip: one of them is "don't sit on poison ivy.")

Some of the articles did have a redeeming feature or two. A truth-or-dare-inspired item that asked "Do you dare to go bare?" featured a rear view of a comely blonde with an all-over tan walking on a beach. Too bad she was wearing a one-piece bathing suit.

Another article, "Nudes Wanted," showed the buttocks of a nude couple holding hands--the couple, not their buttocks, were holding hands.

Unfortunately, few articles were accompanied by photos that dared to go bare. Instead, most opted to pixelate images of breasts, genitals (can Spoof writers write "genitals" in a "news" piece?), and/or butt cheeks.

News outlets in need of filler items on slow news days had better look elsewhere than at nudist colonies.

An endangered species, they're barely there these days.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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