As she bit the head off of a chinchilla and drank its blood, Ivanka Trump called out the media for what she sees as harsh treatment of her father.
"Some of the stories about my family I won't even dignify with a comment--I just can't believe the viciousness of the reporting."
One of the stories Ivanka is most likely referring to is a tale of deep dysfunction and perversion within the Trump family.
While the media have long insinuated that Donald Trump has abused Ivanka in some way, the Washington Post published a story this week that details some of the alleged abuse.
In the WP story, anonymous sources say that Ivanka trump was forced by her father to sing Happy Birthday like Marylin Monroe on Donald's birthday starting when Ivanka was nine (so The Don had already been entertaining thoughts of becoming president).
By the time Ivanka was thirteen, she had grown defiant and reportedly bit her father savagely on the ankle when he demanded that she sing again on his fifty-third birthday. Supposedly that was the last time Donald Trump ever tried to make his daughter sing or perform for him again.
The story broke because New York state law says hospitals must make a police report any time they have a patient suffering from a human bite. Apparently the Post dug up an old police report from 1994 that corroborates that Trump's personal physician took him to the Manhattan Emergency Medical Center on his birthday for treatment and stitches "on the upper ankle area due to an accidental human bite."
Senator John McCain (R-Alzheimer's) expressed concern over the implications of vampirism in the White House and had another brain aneurysm while leading a crusade to distract from the accusations against the First Daughter.
McCain barely mumbled his incoherent objections to the story before going back to sleep.
"I don't understand how the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of charges of vampirism, yet is reluctant to do so for President's Trump's wife, I mean President Kushner's wife..."
Al Franken (D-stealth comb over) was promoting his new book "Vampires of the Senate" and talked to CNN's Jake Tapper about Ivanka.
"First, I want everyone to know that the title of the book is tongue in cheek, I don't really believe the Senate is full of vampires. Now do I believe in them and do I think Ivanka could be a vampire? Absolutely yes."
"But now her lawyers are saying she can't possibly be a vampire because she's Jewish--look I'm Jewish and I worked in comedy and then SNL of all places, so I know vampires when I see them, and I've known plenty of Jewish vampires too. Now her father is no vampire, I think he is just massively incompetent."
"Anyway," Franken continued, "we're asking the appropriate committees to subpoena Ivanka's dental records and we also want to have our medical examiner look at the scars on Donald Trump's ankle to compare the two. We need to know if this story is true and the American people need to know if a vampire is advising the President of the United States."
Vampire expert Lucy Dalt says the vampire genes are a recessive trait that can express themselves differently through the generations.
"Sometimes the vampire genes skip a generation or two, we know her grandmother, Donald Trump's mom, immigrated to the US on a ship called the Transylvania, that must mean something."
"And besides--the story of Ivanka biting her father makes perfect sense if we're talking genetic vampirism as opposed to the acquired type: In the genetic type the vampire genes will express themselves as the subject matures sexually."