Mr. Arnold Walker Buggerovski has been appointed special prosecutor to investigate Mr. Trump's alleged ties to Russian influence in the recent election, plus other matters.
Despite Russian ancestry, Mr. Buggerovski has had a nearly saintly career as a prosecuting attorney.
Until now, that is.
Mr. Sessions and Mr. Rosenstein of the Attorney General's Office have issued a joint statement that Mr. Buggerovski is one hundred percent impartial and pure, insofar as a human being can be "pure."
However, in Mr. Buggerovski's background is a father (Vladimir Nikita Buggerovski) who was captured in Moscow by the CIA back in the 1960's, then brought to the US, and turned.
Mr. Buggerovski Sr. died soon afterwards, despite getting a mansion and big money out of the deal.
As one consequence Buggerovski Jr. was able to attend the best law schools and ended up in the Washington Establishment serving the attorney general's office.
He is now special prosecutor. But this appointment has immediately drawn indignation from the nation's prominent news media.
The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, and NPR have joined Senators McCain and Graham in protesting the appointment.
"Anyone," Mr. McCain stated, "Anyone whose father's name was Vladimir Nikita is not to be trusted. Got it?"
Mr. Buggerovski responded that he has avoided everything Russian throughout his life, has no connections, and has recently separated from his mother since she continues with a slight Russian accent.
Mrs. Buggerovksi is reported devastated by this development. "Only in America," she sobbed.
The problem is, according to Thomas Friedman of The New York Times, that "things Russian" are obviously "richly implicit" in Mr. Buggerovski's DNA.
"He is automatically, bound by his DNA itself, to favor Russia and Mr. Trump," Mr. Friedman remarked. "He cannot be the prosecutor!"
Mr. Putin has come forth to say the records of Mr. Buggerovski Sr. were expunged, and there has been no further connection to his family.
Senator Graham rejoined: "Anything remotely Russian and we've got a problem."
Particularly critical, a whistle blower has revealed to The New York Times that Mr. Buggerovski recently said "Good morning" to Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov.
Their paths crossed near the White House on Mr. Lavrov's recent visit.
The Times editorialized: "Any such behavior, any civility, or common courtesy, toward the most dire enemy we have on the planet, is a red flag. This prosecutor is already compromised!"
Mr. Lavrov was observed flashing Mr. Buggerovski the peace sign, which worsened implications for the mainstream press.