Ft. Leavenworth, KS -- As one of his last acts of office, President Baroque Insane Obummer commuted the sentence of Private First Class (PFC) Bradley "Chelsea" Manning, 29, who was serving a 35-year prison sentence for leaking 750,000 classified military secrets.
He commuted Manning's sentence to time served, a reduction of 28 years, Obummer said, because the turncoat soldier "met all the criteria for a commendation, uh, commutation of the sentence. PFC Manning expressed remorse for having been caught and, most importantly, she is transgender."
Obummer said, if Manning had leaked only 749,999 classified documents, he would have issued a full pardon, rather than a commutation.
Manning, who decided he was a woman during his seven years of solitary confinement, said "she" intends to celebrate by buying pizza, buying a PlayStation, and undergoing sex-change surgery. "The Army has to pay for my operation," "she" said, "so I'm going to take advantage of the military's foolishness, just as I have taken advantage of President Obummer's political correctness."
"She" plans to move to Maryland, because Oklahoma, where "she" was born, doesn't want "her." "Oklahoma is okay," "Ms." Manning said, "but it's more than a tad transphobic." Marylanders, by contrast, "are LGBT friendly." "She" hopes she can find "an understanding man to get friendly with, preferably one who enjoys pizza, PlayStation, and men who have transitioned into 'women.'" With a wink, she said, "President Obummer, call me!"
Manning said "she" never "intended" to harm anyone by disclosing military secrets, although "her" leaks caused much embarrassment to U. S. government officials and resulted in the recall of several U. S. ambassadors.
Friends of "Chelsea" have raised $150,000 for "her" on a crowdfunding site. "I plan to put the donations to good use," "Chelsea" said. "I'm buying a whole new wardrobe: bras, panties, lingerie, blouses, skirts, dresses, stockings, shoes, purses, bikinis, the works."
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan called "Chelsea's" early release "outrageous," and President Trump referred to "her" as a "traitor."
Obummer, however, complimented "Chelsea" on her freedom, adding, "She is one fine-looking piece."